Weighed Down.

So I was always the skinny kid growing up. I literally could eat anything and it didn’t even matter. I know they say when you grow up, your metabolism changes, but 2 years ago, mine straight up took a dump.

My nutrition and activity levels hadn’t changed, but suddenly I had gained 30 pounds in a month, and it wasn’t stopping there. I went to my doctor concerned because even if I had been eating full buffets full of food, a 30 pound gain in a month was outrageous. The doctors pretty much laughed at me and told me I was exaggerating and I probably just didn’t realize what I was eating. I knew I had been on a few medications that could cause weight issues so I asked to change some of them. I got off of a few of the meds, but I was still  having weight issues. I desperately wanted to get off birth control pills but I didn’t want a baby under any circumstances. I finally decided to get sterilized so I could go off the pills worry-free. After surgery, I started really working hard to get the weight off, and I lost about 20 pounds in the first 4 months, which I thought was great progress.

I’m still not happy with how I look at all, however, I know it’s a work in progress. With that in mind, I’ve also still been working really hard, trying to eat right, exercise, and just generally be more fit and active.

So I went to my doctor for a physical the other day and she pretty much crushed my soul. It wasn’t, “Way to go on losing 20 pounds, keep it up!” Instead I got a whole lecture on how my weight to height ratio is awful and that I’m putting myself at risk and I’m going to get diabetes and it’s so dangerous for my heart ect. She told me to stop drinking pop and eating sweets, which if she knew anything about me, I don’t drink pop anymore and rarely eat sweets. I’ve been doing a food diary for a few months and I already only get 1680 calories, which isn’t much at all. I work out at least 4 days a week. What else can I do? I already feel fat and undesirable. I’ve had little to no “sex life” for the past few years, and most of that is because I feel disgusting. No one wanted to address this problem when it started to become one, but now that I’m taking steps to remedy it, it’s not enough.

I know my weight is unhealthy. I know I look gross. The thing is, I can’t change it overnight. I need healthy encouragement, not scare tactics and being made to feel like I’m a bad person. I wanted help with this a long time ago and no one would help me. I don’t know what caused it, but I’m sure my medication combinations weren’t helping. Either way, completely making me feel like shit didn’t help, it just solidified my idea in my head that I’m disgusting. It made me feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I struggle with depression and anxiety as it is, and I don’t want to be on medications because they don’t give the results I want. I don’t want to be zoned out and unfeeling. I just want to handle my feelings as they come up. What I don’t want is for a medical professional to totally ignore my concerns than make it an issue and my fault. I don’t even want to go back to the doctor now, and that’s not the first doctor who has berated me for something like this (once in high school I went to a doctor for a sore throat, he walked in the room and took one look at my acne-ridden teenage face and before even checking to see why I was there said, “Do you want something for your face?”…like wow…thanks).

There’s very little compassion in healthcare anymore and it’s sad. That’s not the way to treat people and it doesn’t fix the problems. I pretty much don’t even care anymore. I’ll go to a doctor when it’s absolutely necessary and no more than that. I’m done being treated like crap.

*~*MR*~*

Depression.

I always hate talking about depression because of the many stigmas, assumptions, and facets of the problem. There are different kinds of depression. There is just general sadness, there’s clinical depression, PTSD, depression caused by a legitimate chemical imbalance, “fake” depression used to get attention, and so on. Depression doesn’t mean just one thing. I also truly believe that too many people are medicated for depression when that is not the true solution. If you have a legitimate chemical imbalance, medication will work. If you just need to make some changes in your life, or need therapy, those meds won’t function in the way they are intended and can actually make things worse.

I believe very strongly that most cases of depression can be handled or dealt with in ways that don’t introduce drugs and outside substances to your body. That can just confuse your insides even more. I’ve been on medications for anxiety, and much like depression medications, they ultimately just make you stop caring about everything. That’s not a healthy way to live life either. It’s normal to be sad sometimes, and it’s normal to feel things. I don’t want to go through life not feeling anything, that sounds even more sad!

Lately I’ve noticed, however, that I have been exhibiting a lot of depressive traits. I find myself not wanting to get out of bed. I have friends, but more often than not, I question how much they really care. There’s very little intimacy in my relationship, and I often find myself blaming the fact that I’m overweight and therefore not very attractive (I am working out, and I’ve lost weight, but I’m still not where I want to be.) I’m starting to really hate going to work, and the thought of it makes me feel like there’s a black cloud over my head. I know all of the methods like re-framing and counting your blessings and all those things. I know I have no reason to be depressed. I have friends, I have spirituality, I have a relationship, home, car, job, family, food, everything I could need, right? I don’t believe in therapy for myself at least because I don’t feel comfortable telling things to a person who doesn’t know me and is literally being paid to sit there and analyze me. Not to mention, I’d have nothing to say to them. As I said, there aren’t any issues in my life like that. Things are fine. I have everything I need, plus a great support system. But none of that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to hide, I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. It’s not like I’m suicidal or anything, I don’t want to die, or hurt myself, or hurt anyone else. I just feel like every day is the same thing. Hurry and rush around so I can get to work so I can pay the bills so I can live in my house so I can go to work so I can pay the bills, and on and on and on. I don’t believe that life should be like this. There has to be more to it than just the struggle.

I have hobbies and things I do for fun, but none of those things are sustaining, and I don’t have normal time to be able to do these things. It’s not like I have 2 hours a day to put aside for fun things, or anything like that. I feel like I’m constantly running, being pulled toward things that are not important to me, but are important to the world I live in. I don’t want to talk to my doctor about this because I don’t want medication. I don’t want a therapist. I want a sustainable life. I want a life that I can love, but I’m so trapped in this one that I can’t get out of it, or even step aside for a moment to find something else.

I’m tired of having to struggle if I want a coffee, or having to check my bank account to see if I can go to the grocery store for my breakfast essentials this week. I’m tired of working this hard and rarely having time for family, friends, and myself just because I have to get all of this stuff done. It’s really wearing on me, and I’m way to young to feel this way. I’m so glad I made the decision not to have children, because there’s no way in hell I could handle having one more person need me to do anything. I never wanted to have to say that I’m depressed, because generally speaking, I need to just get over it. This is life and this is how it is. I’m having a very hard time accepting this though, and I need to find another way.

*~*MR*~*