The Time

The time
Where does it go;
When I’m done with it?

Who has the hand-me-downs
Of moments that have passed me by?
Here I am, left with memories
Ashes of the days I’ve left behind

Sometimes I search frantically
For a moment I held once
But I find nothing
Other times I bathe in joy, or sorrow

Some memories flash by like a movie
Vivid as they fill the screen in my mind
Some are black holes
I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for

“I’ve been robbed!” I proclaim
As I plead with my mind to give me back
Those moments I held so dear
But they are gone, twisted, just a story

Even my memories can’t be enough
To hold on to the past, it’s gone.
Did I live it well enough?
Was I even there?

Where does the time go?
Where does the mind go?
It’s over before you know it,
And once you do it’s too late

Where does the time go,
After I’ve used it?
Had I only known then what I know now
I might have paid attention.




All of the happenings

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. As a matter of fact, I’ll admit, I kind of forgot I had a blog for a minute. Life has been a little crazy. I spent a week at a Buddhist retreat and took my vows last Sunday. Buddhist retreat meaning no phone, no internet, very little talking, and lots of meditating. It was a wonderful week, but living like that really changes your perspective on things, and it’s been a slow transition back into the “real world.”

With that being over, my main focus now is on the big move. It’s only 76 days away now. I’ve started getting boxes, sorting through my things, and most importantly, saving money. Saving is slow going, because in addition to saving, I also have a lot of things I need to spend money on to get ready, like car repairs and cat supplies. Luckily, I’ve been using LetGo and Facebook Marketplace to help get things a little cheaper and even sell some of my extra stuff.

I’m excited but I’m nervous. I’m nervous about the money situation since we won’t have jobs right away. I’m also nervous about our housing situation. I know we won’t be living with family for long, but relationships can be damaged even in a short time if respect isn’t both given and received. I don’t feel like there will be a problem with me, but JT sometimes oversteps his boundaries, and that might not fare well. Even so, once we are down there and everything is in place, it won’t be so bad. Hypothetically we can get a place of our own pretty quick once we’re there, the issue is getting there. With 76 days left, I’m getting close to having to notify my apartment complex and my boss that I’ll be leaving. I have to give ample notice, but I’m also scared that I might give my notice and someone will change their mind. I’ve had so many plans fall through, especially big ones, that I have a hard time making plans without some sort of worry. I know things will work out one way or another, I just don’t want it to have to get harder in the mean time. I’ll feel better once we have a contract and things are moving forward. Right now is kind of a stand still. It’s too early to do much, but getting close enough that certain things need to be done.

The hardest part is addressing others. I don’t feel like a lot of people are taking us seriously. They think this is just some flight of fancy and we’re not actually going anywhere. They keep trying to make plans for dates beyond November, and I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say no and force the issue, because I get a lot of backlash (i.e. you can’t do that! You don’t have money! What are you going to do about jobs? What is your grandma going to do without you! ect.) Also, if for some stupid reason plans were to fall through, I’d rather be able to go do the other thing without an “I told you so.” At the same time, I don’t want to be misleading and be like “Yeah, we can do that!” so it usually ends up being a “Yeah, we’ll see, I don’t really know what’s going on right now.” It’s frustrating, because I want to be open about it and be able to continue have positive relationships with people through every stage of this move, but it’s getting to a point where I almost feel like I have to hide things, and I don’t want to do that. I need as much support as I can get right now. Problem is, I know there are folks who would love to sabotage this for me.

I feel like things will get both harder and easier as time moves on. I’m ready for the fun stuff, I’m ready to have things in order, I’m ready to get on with my life. I’ve been at a standstill for so long, it’s time to go. It’s an exciting time, but I’m equally terrified. Here goes nothing!


Falling into place

One of my favorite things is making a to-do list..probably the only thing that satisfies me more than making a to-do list is being able to check things off as they get done. With my big move coming up, I’ve been doing a lot of lists. Not just lists, but sub-lists, and sub-lists of my sub-lists. I have 89 days until takeoff. That means it’s too far away to do anything drastic yet. I can’t really pack, because I’m still going to need things. I can’t apply for jobs, because most employers want you to start way sooner than 3 months from now, plus I can’t afford the extra travel to accommodate interviews. Phone interviews can be an option, but generally most people want to meet you before they decide to bring you on the team. I can’t make my savings account accumulate faster, I can’t get certain things done until certain other things are done, and I can’t actually make my online listings sell any faster. It’s all very frustrating. It’s scary, and I feel like I want to do something but there isn’t much to do. I do, however, feel particularly confident in the fact that The first 2 week block I planned out went exactly as planned. I have the exact amount saved that I said I would, the bills are all paid (including car insurance for 6 months), I’ve located a second cat carrier for cheap (thanks to the LetGo app), and I’ve found some boxes so I can start sorting through things and getting rid of things I won’t need.

I’m really glad that this move is going to give me a chance to live as a minimalist to the fullest. I don’t need a lot of the things I have. They are nice things, and there is nothing wrong with them, but how beautiful will it be to be able to move without worries about how all my stuff can come with me! I’m glad that I’ll be able to sell items and make a little extra cash, and the stuff I can’t sell is going to be donated to those who really need it, which is a beautiful thing.

I found this wonderful site/app called Freedcamp that allows you to manage all of your projects in one place. The organizational side of me is really excited about this and I’ve been having fun playing with it. I love being able to list out the tasks and events I have coming up and know when I finished even the smallest project. It’s amazing how much even a little progress means when you’re waiting around like I am, totally filled with anxiety. Each little check box is another victory. Seeing the immense amount of things I have to do combined with having each thing broken into the tiniest elements really helps me feel like I’m getting somewhere, even if it doesn’t seem like I’m doing much.

So for the next 89 days I’m just gonna keep on truckin’! We’re almost there…Florida here we come!


So close, yet so far.

I’m moving to Florida in 95 days. I have to keep saying it, because I’ve read in a multitude of places that constantly affirming your plans helps them come to fruition. I’m nervous as hell that something is going to happen between now and then and plans will have to change. The date seems very close, yet it’s far enough away that there isn’t a lot I can do yet. I’ve told my boss my plans, but it’s too early to put in an official notice. It’s also too early to give notice to my apartment complex. It’s too early to pack, it’s too early to hunt for jobs…so I pretty much have to just sit back and wait, which is killing me.

The past couple weeks I’ve been trying to sell some things I won’t need between now and then. I haven’t been as successful as I’d hoped. I have a lot of nice stuff, but no one is buying. I’ve also spent a lot of time just moving things around. Somehow it makes me feel better to feng shui the shit out of my house when I can’t do anything else. I’m trying to decide what I need and what I can do without. I’ve been getting a lot of crap from my mom because she thinks it’s rude that I’m getting rid of things she gave me. Well the truth is I have too much stuff. I keep telling her to stop giving me things, but she doesn’t listen. I don’t have much of a choice but to get rid of it, unless I want to be a hoarder.

Another thing about my mom is that she clearly doesn’t want me to move. I’m sure she has a number of motivations for this stance, but none of them work for me. I know she’s going to miss me, but she never just puts it that way. She makes up these scenarios in her head that I’m going to end up living in some crack house or a box under a bridge because I’m not going to find a job. Trust me, I’ll find a job, even if it’s McDonalds or Planet Fitness, or whatever minimum wage job I have to take until I find something else. I have an associate’s degree and a certificate, plus a coding certification, I think I’ll be able to find a decent job in a reasonable amount of time. Also, for the first few months we are staying with family. I don’t think anyone would allow me to live in a crack house, or a box. Worst case scenario, I come back to Ohio. No harm, no foul. If I don’t make this move now, I never will. I’ve been putting things off for long enough, and now I need to make it happen. The other thing I know my mom is worried about is me not being able to do things for her anymore. My mom is not ill, not disabled, not injured, and neither is my dad. Despite their great health, my parents seem to struggle to function as adults. My mom can’t write an e-mail without my assistance (her claim is that I type faster, which is a BS excuse, she has to type her own stuff at work, so no reason she can’t do it at home). She refuses to bathe her pets without my assistance. Neither one of them can seem to figure out basic directions. All of this is part of my motivation for moving. I need to get away from their co-dependence. The whole situation is bringing me down to a level I don’t want to be at. I need time to make my life flourish, not to be running everyone else’s. It’s hard to explain this to them, and it usually ends in a fight. I will miss them, sure, but we can talk on the phone, and I hope they will be able to come visit. I’m sure I’ll make trips home every now and then as well, but this is a thing that really needs to happen, so I’m going to make it so.

I keep repeating the date, I have countdowns in a few places. I regularly reach out to the people we are going to be staying with. I keep up to date on various job boards in the area I’m moving to. I make outlines to decide what I can do in what time frame to facilitate this move in the easiest way possible. I’m determined, and it will happen…in 95 days.


Taking the Plunge.

I joined a writer’s group. What the hell was I thinking? Well, I guess I was thinking it would be great to be able to have some peers pushing me to complete some of the things I was working on, as well as get some positive feedback, and eventually maybe be connected to people who could help get me published. What it turns out I’ve done is put a bunch of pressure on myself to make things happen again. That seems to be a standard for me, it’s like I don’t know how to take it easy. I guess I’m happy about that. It means I grow and learn. It’s tough, but I suppose it is also exactly what I need.

On another note, speaking of tough things and pressure, we talked to the folks we are planning on staying with in Florida. It looks like we have most of the bugs worked out and we just need to sign some contracts together when they are in town in October. I’m so excited…and nervous, and scared, but mostly excited. I just fear everything falling apart before we get there. But I’m trying not to think like that. I really think we’ll be fine. It’s all in your head anyway, right? If you want it to work and you put your mind to it, it will. #97days. I’m gonna keep up the hashtag until we get there. Positive thoughts, positive mind, positive results.


Every Day I’m Hustlin’

So I’ve been trying to find ways to make some extra cash to help with my big move. It’s hard out there! I already work too much, but I do have a lot of free time at work. I stumbled upon and I’ve been using it to take surveys, watch video clips, and even clip coupons to help save and earn money! No, it won’t replace your job or make you a millionaire, but every little bit counts, right? I don’t like to keep good news to myself, so here’s a link for you all to get started with your own account! Free to join, and you get 5 bucks just for signing up! You can’t cash out until you have earned at least $30, but it will get you on your way! Hope you can gain a little extra income in your spare time too!




Weighed Down.

So I was always the skinny kid growing up. I literally could eat anything and it didn’t even matter. I know they say when you grow up, your metabolism changes, but 2 years ago, mine straight up took a dump.

My nutrition and activity levels hadn’t changed, but suddenly I had gained 30 pounds in a month, and it wasn’t stopping there. I went to my doctor concerned because even if I had been eating full buffets full of food, a 30 pound gain in a month was outrageous. The doctors pretty much laughed at me and told me I was exaggerating and I probably just didn’t realize what I was eating. I knew I had been on a few medications that could cause weight issues so I asked to change some of them. I got off of a few of the meds, but I was still  having weight issues. I desperately wanted to get off birth control pills but I didn’t want a baby under any circumstances. I finally decided to get sterilized so I could go off the pills worry-free. After surgery, I started really working hard to get the weight off, and I lost about 20 pounds in the first 4 months, which I thought was great progress.

I’m still not happy with how I look at all, however, I know it’s a work in progress. With that in mind, I’ve also still been working really hard, trying to eat right, exercise, and just generally be more fit and active.

So I went to my doctor for a physical the other day and she pretty much crushed my soul. It wasn’t, “Way to go on losing 20 pounds, keep it up!” Instead I got a whole lecture on how my weight to height ratio is awful and that I’m putting myself at risk and I’m going to get diabetes and it’s so dangerous for my heart ect. She told me to stop drinking pop and eating sweets, which if she knew anything about me, I don’t drink pop anymore and rarely eat sweets. I’ve been doing a food diary for a few months and I already only get 1680 calories, which isn’t much at all. I work out at least 4 days a week. What else can I do? I already feel fat and undesirable. I’ve had little to no “sex life” for the past few years, and most of that is because I feel disgusting. No one wanted to address this problem when it started to become one, but now that I’m taking steps to remedy it, it’s not enough.

I know my weight is unhealthy. I know I look gross. The thing is, I can’t change it overnight. I need healthy encouragement, not scare tactics and being made to feel like I’m a bad person. I wanted help with this a long time ago and no one would help me. I don’t know what caused it, but I’m sure my medication combinations weren’t helping. Either way, completely making me feel like shit didn’t help, it just solidified my idea in my head that I’m disgusting. It made me feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I struggle with depression and anxiety as it is, and I don’t want to be on medications because they don’t give the results I want. I don’t want to be zoned out and unfeeling. I just want to handle my feelings as they come up. What I don’t want is for a medical professional to totally ignore my concerns than make it an issue and my fault. I don’t even want to go back to the doctor now, and that’s not the first doctor who has berated me for something like this (once in high school I went to a doctor for a sore throat, he walked in the room and took one look at my acne-ridden teenage face and before even checking to see why I was there said, “Do you want something for your face?”…like wow…thanks).

There’s very little compassion in healthcare anymore and it’s sad. That’s not the way to treat people and it doesn’t fix the problems. I pretty much don’t even care anymore. I’ll go to a doctor when it’s absolutely necessary and no more than that. I’m done being treated like crap.


When Dreams Become Real

So with all of the turmoil at my job, I started getting serious about moving to Florida. I’ve been wanting to do it for a while, but I’ve been putting it off because it’s so easy to just keep saying “maybe tomorrow.” With all of the uncertainty here, I decided that come hell or high water,  I’m leaving by November 1st. It’s terrifying. It’s scary to put a date on it and know that I have to get things in order by then. But I’ve always been the type of person who works best with a deadline.

The scariest part is that I told my boss today. I asked her if I can continue to work full time until I leave, and she is totally on board with that. Now it’s real. It’s official. Once my boss knows, there’s not much going back. I have to give her notice to be able to fill my spot, so I felt like she had the right to know since she is making a bunch of exceptions for me. I wanted to let her know that she only needs to make the exceptions for a little while. But that means, when its time to go, it’s time to go.

I’m so ready for this change and I know it will be a positive one, but it is definitely a leap and definitely scary. Glad I took the plunge though, it’s the best way to motivate myself, and if I don’t do it now, I might not ever do it at all.


When things don’t work out

Someone left my job, which should have given me the opportunity to stop doing god-awful swing shifts and take a day job. I’m union, so they couldn’t just give it to me, but they had to go through a certain process. Despite that, my boss basically guaranteed me the job. She had supposedly looked at all of the people who could possibly apply, wrote the posting so it would be unappealing to other people, and only left it up for the shortest time frame allowed. So I was really surprised when I got to work today and found out I didn’t get the job, and someone from outside of my department did.

I’m mostly bummed because I’ve worked my ass off for this place. I’ve covered shifts that no one else would, I’ve worked countless numbers of overtime hours, and I’m very well liked by the rest of the staff. I don’t get to advance, but someone new is allowed to come in and take over. Not fair in my opinion.

Anyway, I’m trying not to be upset about this. Usually when things don’t work out one way, its because something better is waiting. I ended up applying for 2 other jobs today and I’m on the lookout for others. I do want to move in a few months, and worse comes to worse I make it sooner. I don’t want to work for people who don’t value their employees.

I like my job and most of my co-workers. We have good benefits here. Still, I don’t think I want to work somewhere I’m not valued whatsoever. I’m not going to let myself get continuously stepped on and not do anything about it. I deserve better. Maybe this was the motivation I need  to go somewhere else and do something better.


Disappointment Looms

So I try really hard not to be disappointed by things. I do this by trying not to have expectations, especially unrealistic ones. Unfortunately, as generally tends to happen when I have any expectation at all, I’ve been blatantly disappointed. Again. I took to wordpress because I really don’t know where else to vent. No one in my life that I talk to actually sees the problem, Facebook certainly doesn’t care, and I like to think that my wordpress audience will ignore it if they don’t want to hear it. So anyway, I’m going to rant for a minute.

First off, my birthday is coming up. I don’t really care that much about birthdays, but more than anything, I like to include my friends and family in celebrations and make it as much about them as it is about me. I just like to generally have fun, and if my birthday can be an excuse to do that, I’m all for it.

I like to go all out for people’s birthdays, even if I don’t have a lot of money. It doesn’t have to cost a lot to make someone feel special. Invite some of the person’s friends for dinner, do something cheap around town, but regardless, I don’t feel like the person who is having the birthday should have to make much effort in this department. The responsibility for making you feel special for your birthday should fall on those closest to you. Like I said, it’s not about spending money, or lavish gifts, its about time and effort.

This year, I decided I wanted to go to a concert since one of my all-time favorite rappers is going to be in my town on the actual date of my birthday. Tickets are $10, which is insanely reasonable in my opinion. I told JT, and I told my best friend that I wanted to go and of course, I want them to come with (we went to the same rapper’s concert in Cleveland last year for 4/20 and it was a blast, even got to meet him!). I told both parties about the show about 2 months ago. My birthday is 1 week and 2 days away. In my opinion, they should have coordinated and had the ticket situation taken care of. Neither one seemed even remotely interested in lifting a finger to acquire tickets, so I ended up buying them myself.

Some people may say that I didn’t give them a chance, they still had time, or what about getting them at the door? None of those are bad options, but I’ve been caught in this game before, and that makes me hesitant. There has been many times where someone tells me that they are going to get everything in order, then the day comes and tickets are sold out, or the person decides that something has come up and, “Well it’s good we didn’t get tickets in advance because now we can’t go, but we can do this other thing!” and that’s not a good enough answer for me. There’s no reason not to get the tickets early, and show me, by your effort, that you want to go and want me to be able to go. So whatever, tickets are bought, and if the others decide to back out for whatever reason, that’s their problem. I have no problem spending $40 on a ticket to go see Spose by my damn self. It’s just frustrating that it doesn’t seem to matter to anyone else.

I’m not special, and I’m definitely not “owed” any particular kind of birthday, but I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not important to anyone. I’m tired of feeling more like a burden than like someone my friends and family really want (and not just need) in their life.

That’s not the only situation bothering me though. My mom was also trying to figure out something for my birthday. We talked about going to a local baseball game (tickets less than $20) that also includes fireworks and a concert from another of my favorite artists. She doesn’t like to put online purchases on her credit card, so she was going to give me the cash and have me buy the tickets, which was totally fine with me.

I was supposed to get the money Monday because I was going to her house to help her apply for a job. The job didn’t get posted as planned, so since I had a lot going on that day, I told her I’d stop by Tuesday instead. Tuesday came and the job still wasn’t posted, but I told her I’d like to stop by anyway to grab the money and give the dog a treat I got her. My mom said no, she had too much to do that day and I should just come Wednesday (today). I had told her at least 3 times that I worked all day today and that there was no way I was going to make it over in that time frame, so it would have to be Thursday.

At this point she started her usual spiel that I don’t really want to go, and if I don’t want to go, we don’t need to go, blah, blah, blah. After I hung up, I decided to text my dad and ask him to bring the money to work (we work together) so I could just deposit it in the morning and take care of ordering the tickets at work. He agreed and I thought all was well.

When my dad showed up, he didn’t have the cash, because my mom didn’t want me to order the tickets unless I agreed to buy the snacks and beers, because she couldn’t afford all of it. We had already discussed this multiple times, and that had always been the plan. I went on to tell my dad that this was her plan all along. She didn’t want to go. She’s a gambling addict and won’t admit it. She doesn’t like baseball. Instead of just sucking it up and doing something fun with her family, she would rather keep putting things off until we can’t go, then she could use that extra money at the casino. My dad said he hoped not, but it was clear by the look in his eyes that I was right.

Sure enough, today my mom calls and tells me she doesn’t have the money for the tickets, so we aren’t going (unless I want to pay for everyone of course….even though it’s for my birthday and I make 1/5 of what her and my dad make…). So as usual I was right, and let down. Not only did she call to tell me she couldn’t afford the tickets, but I shouldn’t be selfish about wanting to go, because she has been crying for 3 days trying to figure out where to get the money for her bills. She won a pretty substantial amount of money on one of her casino trips earlier this week. All of that is gone, plus some. And now, somehow I should feel bad because she can’t pay her bills. Nevermind that no one gives a shit that I just wanted to spend time with people I love for my birthday. Not without a side of guilt I guess.

Just once I wanted to be wrong. I wanted her to do what she promised and go to the game. Nope. Can’t even get that one thing. Like I said, I know I’m not special, and I also know addiction is one hell of a monster, but I’m tired of having to carry everyone else’s baggage. Just once it would be nice if someone thought of me for a change.

Forget it. I’m just going to go spend the 3rd and 4th at the Humane Society with some dogs and cats that will surely appreciate my time and efforts.