So I was always the skinny kid growing up. I literally could eat anything and it didn’t even matter. I know they say when you grow up, your metabolism changes, but 2 years ago, mine straight up took a dump.
My nutrition and activity levels hadn’t changed, but suddenly I had gained 30 pounds in a month, and it wasn’t stopping there. I went to my doctor concerned because even if I had been eating full buffets full of food, a 30 pound gain in a month was outrageous. The doctors pretty much laughed at me and told me I was exaggerating and I probably just didn’t realize what I was eating. I knew I had been on a few medications that could cause weight issues so I asked to change some of them. I got off of a few of the meds, but I was still having weight issues. I desperately wanted to get off birth control pills but I didn’t want a baby under any circumstances. I finally decided to get sterilized so I could go off the pills worry-free. After surgery, I started really working hard to get the weight off, and I lost about 20 pounds in the first 4 months, which I thought was great progress.
I’m still not happy with how I look at all, however, I know it’s a work in progress. With that in mind, I’ve also still been working really hard, trying to eat right, exercise, and just generally be more fit and active.
So I went to my doctor for a physical the other day and she pretty much crushed my soul. It wasn’t, “Way to go on losing 20 pounds, keep it up!” Instead I got a whole lecture on how my weight to height ratio is awful and that I’m putting myself at risk and I’m going to get diabetes and it’s so dangerous for my heart ect. She told me to stop drinking pop and eating sweets, which if she knew anything about me, I don’t drink pop anymore and rarely eat sweets. I’ve been doing a food diary for a few months and I already only get 1680 calories, which isn’t much at all. I work out at least 4 days a week. What else can I do? I already feel fat and undesirable. I’ve had little to no “sex life” for the past few years, and most of that is because I feel disgusting. No one wanted to address this problem when it started to become one, but now that I’m taking steps to remedy it, it’s not enough.
I know my weight is unhealthy. I know I look gross. The thing is, I can’t change it overnight. I need healthy encouragement, not scare tactics and being made to feel like I’m a bad person. I wanted help with this a long time ago and no one would help me. I don’t know what caused it, but I’m sure my medication combinations weren’t helping. Either way, completely making me feel like shit didn’t help, it just solidified my idea in my head that I’m disgusting. It made me feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I struggle with depression and anxiety as it is, and I don’t want to be on medications because they don’t give the results I want. I don’t want to be zoned out and unfeeling. I just want to handle my feelings as they come up. What I don’t want is for a medical professional to totally ignore my concerns than make it an issue and my fault. I don’t even want to go back to the doctor now, and that’s not the first doctor who has berated me for something like this (once in high school I went to a doctor for a sore throat, he walked in the room and took one look at my acne-ridden teenage face and before even checking to see why I was there said, “Do you want something for your face?”…like wow…thanks).
There’s very little compassion in healthcare anymore and it’s sad. That’s not the way to treat people and it doesn’t fix the problems. I pretty much don’t even care anymore. I’ll go to a doctor when it’s absolutely necessary and no more than that. I’m done being treated like crap.