Disappointment Looms

So I try really hard not to be disappointed by things. I do this by trying not to have expectations, especially unrealistic ones. Unfortunately, as generally tends to happen when I have any expectation at all, I’ve been blatantly disappointed. Again. I took to wordpress because I really don’t know where else to vent. No one in my life that I talk to actually sees the problem, Facebook certainly doesn’t care, and I like to think that my wordpress audience will ignore it if they don’t want to hear it. So anyway, I’m going to rant for a minute.

First off, my birthday is coming up. I don’t really care that much about birthdays, but more than anything, I like to include my friends and family in celebrations and make it as much about them as it is about me. I just like to generally have fun, and if my birthday can be an excuse to do that, I’m all for it.

I like to go all out for people’s birthdays, even if I don’t have a lot of money. It doesn’t have to cost a lot to make someone feel special. Invite some of the person’s friends for dinner, do something cheap around town, but regardless, I don’t feel like the person who is having the birthday should have to make much effort in this department. The responsibility for making you feel special for your birthday should fall on those closest to you. Like I said, it’s not about spending money, or lavish gifts, its about time and effort.

This year, I decided I wanted to go to a concert since one of my all-time favorite rappers is going to be in my town on the actual date of my birthday. Tickets are $10, which is insanely reasonable in my opinion. I told JT, and I told my best friend that I wanted to go and of course, I want them to come with (we went to the same rapper’s concert in Cleveland last year for 4/20 and it was a blast, even got to meet him!). I told both parties about the show about 2 months ago. My birthday is 1 week and 2 days away. In my opinion, they should have coordinated and had the ticket situation taken care of. Neither one seemed even remotely interested in lifting a finger to acquire tickets, so I ended up buying them myself.

Some people may say that I didn’t give them a chance, they still had time, or what about getting them at the door? None of those are bad options, but I’ve been caught in this game before, and that makes me hesitant. There has been many times where someone tells me that they are going to get everything in order, then the day comes and tickets are sold out, or the person decides that something has come up and, “Well it’s good we didn’t get tickets in advance because now we can’t go, but we can do this other thing!” and that’s not a good enough answer for me. There’s no reason not to get the tickets early, and show me, by your effort, that you want to go and want me to be able to go. So whatever, tickets are bought, and if the others decide to back out for whatever reason, that’s their problem. I have no problem spending $40 on a ticket to go see Spose by my damn self. It’s just frustrating that it doesn’t seem to matter to anyone else.

I’m not special, and I’m definitely not “owed” any particular kind of birthday, but I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not important to anyone. I’m tired of feeling more like a burden than like someone my friends and family really want (and not just need) in their life.

That’s not the only situation bothering me though. My mom was also trying to figure out something for my birthday. We talked about going to a local baseball game (tickets less than $20) that also includes fireworks and a concert from another of my favorite artists. She doesn’t like to put online purchases on her credit card, so she was going to give me the cash and have me buy the tickets, which was totally fine with me.

I was supposed to get the money Monday because I was going to her house to help her apply for a job. The job didn’t get posted as planned, so since I had a lot going on that day, I told her I’d stop by Tuesday instead. Tuesday came and the job still wasn’t posted, but I told her I’d like to stop by anyway to grab the money and give the dog a treat I got her. My mom said no, she had too much to do that day and I should just come Wednesday (today). I had told her at least 3 times that I worked all day today and that there was no way I was going to make it over in that time frame, so it would have to be Thursday.

At this point she started her usual spiel that I don’t really want to go, and if I don’t want to go, we don’t need to go, blah, blah, blah. After I hung up, I decided to text my dad and ask him to bring the money to work (we work together) so I could just deposit it in the morning and take care of ordering the tickets at work. He agreed and I thought all was well.

When my dad showed up, he didn’t have the cash, because my mom didn’t want me to order the tickets unless I agreed to buy the snacks and beers, because she couldn’t afford all of it. We had already discussed this multiple times, and that had always been the plan. I went on to tell my dad that this was her plan all along. She didn’t want to go. She’s a gambling addict and won’t admit it. She doesn’t like baseball. Instead of just sucking it up and doing something fun with her family, she would rather keep putting things off until we can’t go, then she could use that extra money at the casino. My dad said he hoped not, but it was clear by the look in his eyes that I was right.

Sure enough, today my mom calls and tells me she doesn’t have the money for the tickets, so we aren’t going (unless I want to pay for everyone of course….even though it’s for my birthday and I make 1/5 of what her and my dad make…). So as usual I was right, and let down. Not only did she call to tell me she couldn’t afford the tickets, but I shouldn’t be selfish about wanting to go, because she has been crying for 3 days trying to figure out where to get the money for her bills. She won a pretty substantial amount of money on one of her casino trips earlier this week. All of that is gone, plus some. And now, somehow I should feel bad because she can’t pay her bills. Nevermind that no one gives a shit that I just wanted to spend time with people I love for my birthday. Not without a side of guilt I guess.

Just once I wanted to be wrong. I wanted her to do what she promised and go to the game. Nope. Can’t even get that one thing. Like I said, I know I’m not special, and I also know addiction is one hell of a monster, but I’m tired of having to carry everyone else’s baggage. Just once it would be nice if someone thought of me for a change.

Forget it. I’m just going to go spend the 3rd and 4th at the Humane Society with some dogs and cats that will surely appreciate my time and efforts.

*~*MR*~*

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