Depression.

I always hate talking about depression because of the many stigmas, assumptions, and facets of the problem. There are different kinds of depression. There is just general sadness, there’s clinical depression, PTSD, depression caused by a legitimate chemical imbalance, “fake” depression used to get attention, and so on. Depression doesn’t mean just one thing. I also truly believe that too many people are medicated for depression when that is not the true solution. If you have a legitimate chemical imbalance, medication will work. If you just need to make some changes in your life, or need therapy, those meds won’t function in the way they are intended and can actually make things worse.

I believe very strongly that most cases of depression can be handled or dealt with in ways that don’t introduce drugs and outside substances to your body. That can just confuse your insides even more. I’ve been on medications for anxiety, and much like depression medications, they ultimately just make you stop caring about everything. That’s not a healthy way to live life either. It’s normal to be sad sometimes, and it’s normal to feel things. I don’t want to go through life not feeling anything, that sounds even more sad!

Lately I’ve noticed, however, that I have been exhibiting a lot of depressive traits. I find myself not wanting to get out of bed. I have friends, but more often than not, I question how much they really care. There’s very little intimacy in my relationship, and I often find myself blaming the fact that I’m overweight and therefore not very attractive (I am working out, and I’ve lost weight, but I’m still not where I want to be.) I’m starting to really hate going to work, and the thought of it makes me feel like there’s a black cloud over my head. I know all of the methods like re-framing and counting your blessings and all those things. I know I have no reason to be depressed. I have friends, I have spirituality, I have a relationship, home, car, job, family, food, everything I could need, right? I don’t believe in therapy for myself at least because I don’t feel comfortable telling things to a person who doesn’t know me and is literally being paid to sit there and analyze me. Not to mention, I’d have nothing to say to them. As I said, there aren’t any issues in my life like that. Things are fine. I have everything I need, plus a great support system. But none of that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to hide, I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. It’s not like I’m suicidal or anything, I don’t want to die, or hurt myself, or hurt anyone else. I just feel like every day is the same thing. Hurry and rush around so I can get to work so I can pay the bills so I can live in my house so I can go to work so I can pay the bills, and on and on and on. I don’t believe that life should be like this. There has to be more to it than just the struggle.

I have hobbies and things I do for fun, but none of those things are sustaining, and I don’t have normal time to be able to do these things. It’s not like I have 2 hours a day to put aside for fun things, or anything like that. I feel like I’m constantly running, being pulled toward things that are not important to me, but are important to the world I live in. I don’t want to talk to my doctor about this because I don’t want medication. I don’t want a therapist. I want a sustainable life. I want a life that I can love, but I’m so trapped in this one that I can’t get out of it, or even step aside for a moment to find something else.

I’m tired of having to struggle if I want a coffee, or having to check my bank account to see if I can go to the grocery store for my breakfast essentials this week. I’m tired of working this hard and rarely having time for family, friends, and myself just because I have to get all of this stuff done. It’s really wearing on me, and I’m way to young to feel this way. I’m so glad I made the decision not to have children, because there’s no way in hell I could handle having one more person need me to do anything. I never wanted to have to say that I’m depressed, because generally speaking, I need to just get over it. This is life and this is how it is. I’m having a very hard time accepting this though, and I need to find another way.

*~*MR*~*

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