Waiting for my moment.

I just got my pay stub for this upcoming Friday. It’s pathetic. I make a lot of money per hour. My job isn’t hard (but I do work awful swing shifts and the company I work for doesn’t seem to care much for it’s employees). Somehow, every time, I still seem to come up short. Every effort I make to save money, collect freebies, and be frugal, it always comes crashing down.

Part of this struggle comes from student loans, something I never would have gotten myself into without the prodding of my mother, who insisted that both college and the loans were absolutely essential to my survival in the world. I kept pushing through college even though I knew it wasn’t for me, switched schools once, and still only ended up with a certification. I had to finish with something because the only reason I was going in the first place was to keep my mom off my back, which I realized was a losing battle regardless.

I ended up going back to school a third time for myself (with significantly less loans) for an associate’s degree and a coding certificate. I actually wanted to go that time and I worked really hard. I was proud of myself for getting that degree.

That degree helped me get the job I have now. I’m not a coder, but the skills I gained through that course of school definitely influenced me getting this job. I work for the same boss as my mom, though in a different department. I knew that was going to bite me in the ass some day. Pretty much any time I talk about leaving this job, my mom has her two cents to put in, basically that me leaving is going to create problems for her. If I give a 2 weeks notice, why would there be a problem? I’m not going to up and leave, I’m going to leave on great terms because I need the good reference! But the truth is, the time is going to come when I need to go and do something better.

The other part is, they really abuse me at this job. I’m supposed to be part time, but I’m regularly told that I’m the best worker out of the 4 of us and they always want me to work a ton of overtime and swing shifts. I usually do it, because it’s hard to turn the money down, but the truth is it wears on me. I’m not getting younger, and it’s really starting to bum me out that I don’t have any kind of consistent sleep schedule. They had offered me “official full time” but it was split between two departments and I knew right away they were going to make me do back to back shifts with less than 4 hours in between and my body seriously couldn’t handle that. I had to turn it down for my mental health alone.

The truth is, I want to move. I want to go somewhere where I’m not known and where I can make a new start as myself instead of a product of my mom. I’ve told my mom about these plans and she constantly tells me that I can’t, and that I’m just going to go “live in a heroin infested trailer park and work at McDonalds for the rest of my life.” That’s farthest from the truth. Might I have to live in an efficiency apartment for a while with minimal furniture? Yes. Might I have to scrimp and save to build my life back up? Yes. But all of that will be temporary, and necessary to start a better life. I just can’t stay here forever. It’s not serving me well here, and I can’t get away from people who think they know me when all they know is my past.

Life isn’t supposed to be easy or comfortable all the time. Sometimes the biggest risks have the best rewards. It might be scary for a while, but some of the scariest things I’ve ever done have paid off the most. Is there a chance it won’t work out? Sure. But right now, I don’t feel like this is working out. I’m miserable here and I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I’m sure part of the reason she’s against me leaving is because she’ll miss me or whatever, but it would serve her better just to come out and say that instead of making me feel like crap. She literally screamed at me that I don’t have a degree, because in her eyes an associate’s degree doesn’t count. I worked damn hard for that and it does matter to me. And with that plus my work experience, I don’t doubt I can get a job elsewhere. The problem is, my mom is a manipulator, and she doesn’t even see it. She will guilt trip the hell out of you until you don’t think you have a choice but to do what she says. I’ve grown up my whole life dealing with that and now that I’m realizing it, it hurts me to see all of the ways I could have done things differently if I just hadn’t listened to her. For once in my life, it’s time for me to live for me, and not for someone else.

I just hate dealing with this opposition instead of helpfulness. If someone I love wants to do something to better their life, I do everything I can to make it happen. I can’t imagine purposely sabotaging someone just for my own means. I need to get out of here, I need to go explore myself. I just have to wait for the right time. Once my opportunity comes, I’m out of here.

*~*MR*~*

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