Oh boy…my first love. That was a long time ago. I used to blog on a site called Xanga back in the day. One of my blog posts was one of those “have you ever” checklists. Some random guy (His name was Ty) commented on my post that day saying “If you ever want to play hockey, do drugs, or kiss, let me know” (those were 3 things I hadn’t done on the list) For whatever reason I found the comment amusing. I searched the guy’s profile, found out he lived in my area and decided to write back. We talked for a couple months and really liked each other. We decided to meet up and when I met him, he was really good looking! Somehow, he seemed to think the same of me. We started “dating” and he came over to my house a lot when my mom was at work (my dad didn’t care, he trusted me that I was being responsible). Our first date was at a Big Boy restaurant, which sadly has since been torn down. We got kicked out for laughing about one of the workers using coffee filters to clean the windows. Apparently that actually works pretty well, but I’d never seen it before and thought it was amusing. One day before Ty was leaving (it was actually the last day I’d see him for almost a month as he was going to Germany with his senior class) we were standing on the porch giving our usual goodbye hugs when he tilted my chin up and kissed me. I’ve never felt anything like that in my life. I felt tingles, hot and sweaty, and I couldn’t stop smiling. This incredibly good looking, funny, amazing guy just kissed me. But then I didn’t get to see him for weeks, which sucked. When he got back, things continued along and we had some great times together. It sucked because my mom thought I was too young to do a lot of things, so there were a lot of times where I didn’t get to go with Ty, or I would have to sneak around to do so. He was about a year and a half older than me, so he hit 18 a little before me. He had gotten a place of his own, and I found myself spending a lot of time there. After about 2 years, we ended up breaking up. It was extremely hard on me, and I couldn’t really wrap my head around the reasoning. I thought things had been going pretty well. I kind of jumped off the deep end a bit and ended up landing in another relationship less than a month later. It was clearly just a rebound and something to take my mind off things. I was with the other guy one night and Ty had been texting me saying he missed me and he made a mistake. I missed him so much I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but at the same time, I didn’t want to be a jerk to the guy I was with, who was actually a really good friend before and during all of this. Finally I just started breaking down crying and the other guy knew something was up. As much as he didn’t want to let me go back to my ex, he knew it was what he had to do, and I left that night to go see Ty. We got back together, but I really don’t think our relationship was ever the same after that.
The second round of our relationship was plagued by a certain friend of his that really didn’t like me for some reason. This guy had been in trouble for all kinds of stuff in his life and was just not a nice person. I couldn’t understand why Ty wanted to hang out with him. He was in his mid 30s when we were in our early 20s and he was just an awful excuse for a person. I was always pleasant to him, but he never let up on me, always making rude comments and just generally being a problem. Ty did drugs, that wasn’t a surprise to me. I didn’t really care, and I told him that as long as it wasn’t heroin or anything injectable. I had been smoking marijuana with him for years and I trusted that he could handle himself. Oddly enough, even when I was interested in trying some new things, he wasn’t willing to let me. I honestly feel like he was trying to protect me for some reason. It wasn’t his place to do that, but props to him I guess. He had been dealing with his father’s death, and looking back on it, I feel like he was using these things as an escape and even though it didn’t seem to be affecting him, he knew it was and wanted to keep me from that.
We broke up again after another 2 years, and I knew this time it had everything to do with his friend Jay. Jay could talk him into anything at this point, and leaving me was pretty high on Jay’s priority list. I think he knew that I worried about Ty and wanted the best for him and he couldn’t have that kind of thing if he was going to manipulate Ty to do what he wanted. After the breakup, we still talked, and I was desperately trying to patch things up again. I truly loved the man, and I wanted to be with him. I knew he wasn’t this person that Jay had been trying to carve him into. Things seemed off though. I felt like he was distracted and something else was going on. He ended up getting a DUI, and because he couldn’t drive, I had offered to get him to his court dates and help him out. I was hoping he would see my caring nature and rethink getting rid of me. I ended up planning a trip, booking a Jacuzzi room, and looking into tickets for one of his favorite bands. I hoped a trip together might help us work things out. A week before the trip he told me he had to finish his DUI classes and the day of the trip was the last weekend he had (which was true, he had procrastinated on getting things done) and I told him it was no big deal, that was more important, and we could make up the trip later. Later that day, Jay posted on his Facebook “Way to ditch the bitch! This weekend is going to be great!” I didn’t know if he had actually lied to me, or if Jay had said that just to get me riled up. I questioned Ty, not in a mean way, because I wanted to believe this was just another one of Jay’s stupid acts. Ty lashed out at me and told me I was acting like a child and that he never wanted to talk to me again. And he hasn’t. He had told me at one point that he could never see me as the mother of his children, which was funny because we never even talked about kids. 4 months later, he had another girl pregnant and they gave the kid up for adoption. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
Interesting that this post was due at this time, because just a couple days ago I learned that Ty is currently in court proceedings for trafficking and possession of heroin. Somehow I still feel like part of his getting rid of me was trying to keep me from finding out that he had fallen prey to heroin. I don’t think he wanted me to know, and I don’t think he wanted me to hurt from it. I don’t know if that’s true, I could just be making it up so I have some excuse not to hate him, but somehow I feel it’s true. I could never be with Ty again, not after everything, but I still have some soft spot for him somewhere. There is still a love for him in my heart, it’s just that love is different now. I told him I would always love him and I didn’t lie about that. Like I said, it’s not a romantic love anymore, but I do wish him well, and it hurts me to see his life being destroyed like this. I hope that he can get the help he needs and somehow get away from all of this. I haven’t seen him in 8 years, but seeing as we have some mutual friends, I’ve found out these bits and pieces about what’s going on with him. I really want him to be ok, and I wish there was a way for me to tell him that without making things weird. I still pray for him, and I hold him in my intentions while at Temple. I know he’s a good guy inside, but he clearly has a lot of mess to clean up. I still just wonder sometimes if he ever thinks of me, or if he ever even realizes how much I loved him. I love JT now, and that’s where my heart needs to be, but I really want Ty to be ok. His life hasn’t been easy and I know that. There will always be a special place in my heart for him, and I hope deep down he knows that.