30 Day Writing Challenge-Day 5

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So I haven’t been at work the past few days, which means I haven’t had much time to blog, so now that I’m back, let’s continue. A time I thought about ending my own life. This is a big one for me. It was 2003, and I was 14. My dad lost his job and my mom was losing.her.shit. Literally she was screaming, bawling, freaking out because we were going to lose everything because my dad lost his job. At my age, I didn’t know any better, and I certainly couldn’t rationalize anything on my own, so I had to take my mom’s word for it. If she thought our situation was that dire, it must be. I mean no normal human being would freak out like that unless it was legitimately serious. At that point I had no clue that there was a possibility of my dad taking another position in the company. I had no clue that even if my dad was out a job, he could have gone looking for a new one and we probably would have been fine for a little while until he found one (my mom worked, and made more money than my dad did, so it could have been managed). There were a lot of different positive ways this situation could have played out, but being raised the way I was by the people I was raised by, I wasn’t able to see the positive in the situation. I made the decision then that I didn’t want to live on the streets and I didn’t see any other way out (dramatic, right? Welcome to my mom’s world). I took a bunch of pills and hoped that would just take care of it. No such luck, I just ended up really sick to my stomach for a couple weeks. I managed to convince my mom it was just some stomach bug, because I didn’t want the extra attention that would come with admitting what I’d done. I just wanted to be out of the situation and away from all of it. I didn’t want to have to worry about things anymore and I didn’t want to have to hear my mom cry about it anymore. A lot of thoughts came to me in those couple weeks I spent sick in bed. My dad had been offered a different job in the company (unfortunately with a pay cut, but that wouldn’t affect us much). I had one of those epiphanies that makes you realize that you are changing from child to adult. I realized that the situation wasn’t as dire as my mom had made it seem. She was senselessly freaking out about a situation that didn’t warrant freaking out, which was her trademark, and still is to this day. I honestly became angry. Her irrational outburst almost caused me to give up my own life. I decided from that point forward that I would analyze my situation before making drastic claims. I never wanted to put someone including myself through that situation. As a kid, I thought my life was over anyway. I mean as a kid, if you don’t have food, clothes, or a house, what kind of life do you have? At least that was what I had thought. Turns out we were never in danger of losing our house or our food supply at all. Dad came home early that day after they told him he lost his job, and the very next day he was called into a meeting and given the option to choose one of the other available jobs. Had my mom been able to take one step at a time, I would have followed her example. Instead, I still learned the lesson, but I had to teach myself the hard way. Lucky for all of us, my attempt didn’t work and I’m still here. Ever since that day, I’ve tried to look at situations more objectively and give myself time to think before jumping off the deep end. Most of the time, things aren’t nearly as bad as we perceive them.

*~*MR*~*

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