30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 19

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Disrespecting your parents is a no-go always in my opinion. However, the definition of respect may be skewed. Some people may see respect as just always going along faithfully with what someone has to say. Some see it as never bucking the system or always being submissive to a person. I don’t agree with this.

My mother is a gambling addict. She won’t admit it, but it’s easy for me to see how her life is falling down around her because of it. I have no problem telling her that her gambling is a problem. I have no problem throwing examples of her issue in her face just to try to get her to see reality. It’s not based in hatred or anything bad, it’s because I can see her destroying herself. I’ve been told many times that I am disrespectful toward her because I don’t just stand down. I’ve also been told I’m disrespectful by her because I won’t give her money when her addiction has taken it all.

In my opinion, in that case it would be more disrespectful to allow her to squander her life in such a manner without mentioning the problem. Outright disrespecting your parents is wrong, but there are ways that you can try to be helpful that come across as disrespectful. I think it is all about your intention. I don’t resort to name calling or physical violence, but I won’t hesitate to loudly state that I don’t agree with what is going on. Some may misconstrue that as disrespect, but I believe that it is merely love showing through. I wish I could actually help her and make her see what is going on, but that is for her realization. All I can do is make it very clear what I see from the outside and hope that some day she realizes what she is doing. I’ll always be supportive of her, but not her addiction.

On another note, however, I do think it is disrespectful for a child (of any age) to do things that make the family look bad. For example if you get caught drunk driving, that is disrespectful to your parents assuming they raised you not to do such a thing. Same goes for stealing, murder, or anything else that’s harming others. Most of the time our parents do not teach us that such things are ok, and it is disrespectful to upstanding parents to go out and do such careless activities. We should want to make our families proud just as much as ourselves. Sometimes our families will never take pride in us, and that is a bummer, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to be the best we can be.

Sometimes we have differing thoughts from our parents. Maybe our father is a KKK member. Not being a part of the organization may be seen as “disrespecting” our father. However, in a case like this, I feel that it is more important to respect the human race. Our loyalty to our family shouldn’t be so strong that we are willing to hurt others. It can be a very fine line between respect and doing what is right. Ultimately at the end of the day you have to answer to yourself, so if you can live with your decisions, that’s the true test of whether or not you have made the right one.

*~*MR*~*

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30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 18

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Oh boy. My beliefs. I think I’ve touched quite a bit on this subject throughout my blog, but in thinking about it, I also suppose that not all beliefs have to have any kind of religious content. With that being said, here we go:

I believe that we all need to start being nicer to each other. Why do we always feel the need to make some shitty comment about another person? I feel like in a majority of the interactions we have with people throughout the day, we have to say something negative about another person. I think we can all be better than that and it’s our duty to do so. Let’s not act like we aren’t all shitty people from time to time. None of us are perfect so let’s quit acting like it.

I believe that we should share the joys of others. I have a cousin who’s girlfriend is pregnant and they are very excited. I’m not a big fan of kids, but since they are excited I want to be excited with them. I tried to share the news with my mom and all I got was negativity–his divorce is barely final, he isn’t married to the girlfriend, my mom barely knows his other kid, so who cares about this one…ect. What a shame. He’s not asking any of us to raise or support the kid, he’s happy, and that’s really all the matters, right? Why do we have to be so negative when other people experience joy? We want them to delight in our joys, so we should meet them half way.

I believe we should all have a cause or causes to work for. Mine is typically animal welfare. I volunteer at the Humane Society. Sure, it makes my schedule a little more busy than I would like, but the animals need someone to care for them and I can do that. Maybe your cause is children, the hungry, the homeless, whatever it is, pick something and care about it.

I believe that instead of taxes as they are today, we should be able to allocate a percentage of our income to the services we feel are necessary. We need taxes to fund public services, but I think it should be up to us how that money is allocated.

I believe that we need to take better care of our bodies. I mean from a societal level. It’s hard to eat right and exercise when there are awful nasty products being pushed in our direction. Not only do places push these gross things, they lie about what is in them. Why don’t we want to take care of ourselves? We have to live in these bodies, we might as well take care of them. Organic food should be on the forefront and it should be cheaper. This chemical laden garbage that we are consuming shouldn’t even be a thing. We should want the healthier options. We should also want to be active. If you are able bodied, why not get out and do something instead of sitting around all the time?

I believe that we all should have opportunities to travel. It is important to know and understand what we can about other cultures. It doesn’t have to be somewhere half way around the world, go check out a different part of your own country or state where people are a little different. You might be surprised at what you find. And with that being said, be respectful of other cultures while you are there.

That’s just a few things I believe, but I could go on all day. What are some of your core beliefs, religious or not?

*~*MR*~*

 

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 17

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Highs and lows of this year. Well, we’re only about 1/3 of the way through it, but a lot has happened since the beginning of the year. A lot, and at the same thing absolutely nothing at all.

Highs

I discovered the Buddhist temple, where I have been focusing on my spiritual life and meeting new friends. It’s been nice to make some connections since that’s been a little hard for me lately.

I’m planning a trip to Florida, and I leave in 2 weeks. Very exciting stuff for me as I love a good road trip and travel time. Also, that means I get to spend a full week with JT, which almost never happens anymore.

I’ve been getting bits and pieces of my creative side back which has been refreshing. It’s been hard because I haven’t had a lot of time, but I’ve found myself trying to make time and prioritize for things that really matter. It’s been nice.

I’ve been working a lot, which means being able to stay on top of my bills for the most part, which is always a good thing. Student loans really suck, but I signed up for them, so I’m just doing my duty to pay back.

Lows

Working a lot is great, but sometimes you need a break, and boy do I need one. I feel like my relationship with JT is suffering because of the little time we get to spend together. It’s not suffering like things are bad, it’s suffering like things are indifferent. We both have to take care of things in our life, and often times that means not being able to focus on “us”, which can be really hard sometimes.

My car needs a few pricey repairs right now and I just don’t quite have the funds to take care of everything at the moment. I’m just trying to drive as little as possible until I can figure out what I’m going to do.

I’ve been a little overwhelmed by my schedule lately, because I have all of these things I need to do, more things I want to do, and very little energy to do anything. I’d say that I don’t have time, but that isn’t entirely true. I have the hours in the day, but I can’t physically stay awake that long to do things. Swing shifts have ruined my sleep schedule all the way around.

Honestly, when I look at everything, I can’t complain about what’s going on in my life. If being too busy is the worst thing going on, I should be grateful. I have things and people in my life that want and need me, which is great! Can’t wait to see what the rest of the year brings me!

*~*MR*~*

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 16

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Mainstream music…Well, I’ll admit, I do listen to the radio, so I’m not at all opposed to mainstream music. I hate all the commercials on the radio, but I do respect that the music is brought to us through that medium at no cost to us. I don’t judge music or songs based on how popular they are, so that’s really not an issue for me. There are a lot of cases where I find mainstream music to be a little boring because a lot of it sounds the same, but that can’t be said for everything. I get a lot of my music through listening to Pandora on shuffle with stations for a few of my favorite bands. More often than not, some new stuff that I never would have heard on the radio pops up. Most of that stuff isn’t mainstream or at least isn’t extremely mainstream. A lot of it is bands people might have heard a song or two from and largely ignored. Even though I do enjoy mainstream music, I love any opportunity to support some small-time awesome artist that doesn’t get the recognition they should. I have a lot of smaller scale rappers like Spose and Watsky  on my list of favorites, as well as some more indie/alternative/rock/psychadelic kind of stuff like Glass Animals, Chet Faker, Greg Laswell, and Lord Huron. Then I get a little more mainstream, but still a touch obscure like Guster, Alt-J, USS or Bassnectar and then I go full-on mainstream with stuff like The Lumineers, Eminem, and Kid Cudi. Also, I’m terrible with labeling genres so if I’m off on how I described any of this I’m sorry, all I know is that when I hear good music, I recognize and listen. I don’t pay much attention to all the labels and just try to get out there and hear as much as I can. I had an old friend that tried to say that if you didn’t limit yourself to one genre as your favorite than you were a “poser”. I totally disagree with that statement. He was all about electronic music, and while that’s great, I feel like he might have been missing out. If you want to limit yourself to a specific genre, that’s on you, but I could never see myself being that person. I love variety and I love that there is always something out there that will fit my mood. Mainstream or not isn’t a priority for me, but giving good credit where credit is due very much is. I hate that good art (including music of course) is such a money game. They aren’t even selling the music anymore, they are selling sex, looks, drama, and gossip columns. Sometimes it can be refreshing to listen to some music that’s less mainstream just because the focus is on the music and not all of the surrounding garbage.

 

What are some of your favorite bands? I can always use some new ideas!

 

*~*MR*~*

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 15

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Well, I can honestly say that I haven’t used Tumblr in quite some time. With that being said, I’m going to highlight a few of of my favorite blogs right here on WordPress!

1.This Tiny Blue House

2.The Wandering Broski

3.Jay Colby

These three have to be my top favorites! I believe This Tiny Blue House was the first blog I came across when I joined WordPress. Jenny shares a lot about her life, frugal lifestyle, parenting, and her family. I really like this page because of Jenny’s honesty. She shares a lot of things that are not easy to share, and I admire that. She also posts a lot of things that help those of us who are also trying to live more frugally. I thank her for her posts, as many of them have been very helpful for me and also because I enjoy her writing style in making her readers feel like a part of her life.

Michael’s blog The Wandering Broski documents his travels across the world. I enjoy hearing about a lot of the places that are on my bucket list and using the posts to gather more information about places I’d like to see. There are usually pictures included with the posts, and it really helps to make readers feel like they are right there in the middle of the travels. Definitely worth the read!

Jay Colby is a new blogger to me. I just recently liked his blog last week or so, but I’ve found many of his posts to be thought provoking and interesting. Much of what he talks about pertains to things that I have been thinking about or going through in my own life. If nothing else, the blog is a springboard for discussion. I like that a lot. Not enough people want to talk about anything of substance anymore, and to actually have an opportunity to read about and discuss real world issues is important to me. And when I say “real world issues” I don’t mean Donald Trump, the Kardashians, or the unrest in the world that is all over the news (there’s already enough discussion about that!) but actual issues that we face as human beings in the real world day to day. Those issues are often swept under the carpet as all of the media issues are shoved down our throats. Real world discussion is important!

So there’s some of my favorite blogs, and the reasons why. I encourage you to go check out some of my fellow bloggers. There’s a lot of good information out there!

*~*MR*~*

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 14

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I can’t remember exactly what my very first memory was, but I can definitely go over a few good ones I remember from the beginning.

I remember the first time I was reading and actually knew what I was doing. It was a book called Henry Babysits and I walked into the living room reading it to my mom. I was very young, and I remember her just looking at me like, “What did you say? Are you actually reading that?” And I was 🙂

I remember my mom teaching me to tie my shoes. We were listening to Lee Greenwood on my dad’s really big stereo system. Just as I was about to get my shoe tied, one of the speakers blew and scared the shit out of me. Pretty sure I was traumatized to the point that it took me a while to care about learning to tie shoes again!

I also remember being really young and my cousins from Oklahoma came home! We were piled into my uncle’s van and I remember being in a parking lot at a mall that is no longer there. All of us kids were singing Mary Jane’s Last Dance…and none of us actually knew what that song was about then!

Those three specifically stick out to me as potential first memories. It’s hard to tell now, because at the time when your memory is logging these things, it doesn’t know how to process when each thing happened. Some parts of my childhood were great and a lot of fun. I also had some extremely shitty parts of childhood, but lucky for me, most of the memories I retain vividly are the good ones! While the bad ones are definitely still there, I can honestly say I don’t “feel” them like I feel the good ones. What are some of your childhood memories?

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 13

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Wow…somewhere I’d like to move or visit. Pretty sure I could write a couple of books on this subject. Let’s start with places I’d like to move.

I’ve always kind of had my heart settled on Columbus, Ohio. It’s about 2 hours from where I am now, and I figured it would be a great first destination. Close enough to family if I need something, yet far enough away that they can’t bug me all the time. I’ve always liked Columbus, as there is a lot to do there. It has a big city feel without being packed in like sardines. It also has nice suburbs, which could be an option. My dad lived there for a few years back in the late 70s (well before I was born or thought of!) and he always said it was nice then. I know they’ve done a lot of building up since then, so I imagine there would be even more to do there as a resident now.

Another destination I always wanted to move to is North or South Carolina. I don’t really have a preference to either one, just want to be near a beach. I’m about an hour from a (dirty) lake beach right now, but I want to be within 2 hours of an ocean beach. As much as I enjoyed visiting the west, I feel like I’m more of an East Coast kind of person. Some day I’d like to find out.

After visiting Florida last year, a wrench more than less got thrown into my plans. I’ve been tempted to scrap Columbus and the Carolinas and just move down to Florida. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t move somewhere else later, I plan on moving quite a bit in my life if I can, but once I move to a warmer climate, I’m pretty sure moving back to Ohio is out of the question. Maybe I should stick with Columbus first just to get it out of the way. Either way, somewhere between Ocala and Tampa would be lovely since I’ve got family in Ocala…I have a couple job leads in Sarasota, so we’ll see what happens.

I feel like if I ever decided to try out West Coast living, it would have to be in Seattle. I liked Portland a lot too, but in just the 6 hours I had to spend in Seattle, I’m pretty sure I fell in love. The gloomy weather would be the hardest part for me, because I love the sunshine. The atmosphere of the city of Seattle was captivating though. I also have family there, so that wouldn’t be a bad option either.

Now lets move on to places I’d like to visit. I have a massive bucket list, and I intend to try to do as much on it as I can. There are lots of places overseas on my list, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to keep it to what I want to do right here in the US for now.

I want to visit all 50 states. I’ve visited 15 so far!

 

I want to see all of the National Parks. So far I’ve seen none. Hoping to venture into Cuyahoga National Park soon since it’s not far from me. I want to get one of their cute little passport books and get it stamped everywhere. Sounds like a fun challenge.

I want to visit Colorado. For a number of reasons, but their culture is a big one. I hear there is so much to do there! Not to mention the legal marijuana. That was a fun part of Portland and I’m sure it would be a blast in Colorado as well.

I’ve been to NYC, but I’d love to check out anywhere in upstate New York, just for the contrast.

There are a couple resorts in New Hampshire that have some fun rides and such (Alpine slide and Mountain Coaster!) which I would love to check out.

Napa Valley is pretty high on my list. I’d like to see LA just to say I did, but if I don’t, I really don’t think I’ll be disappointed!

I want to get some Kansas City BBQ, go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, hike in Arizona, and experience Texas. I’d also like to see Washington DC and the Arlington National Cemetery.

It would probably be easier to list all of the places I don’t want to go…but seriously, the more I can see in the world, the better. It’s a big world out there, I intend on experiencing as much of it as possible.

It’s a great big world out there! Go get some of it!

*~*MR*~*

 

30 Day Writing Challenge-day 12

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I’m writing this in the afternoon, so anything past 4:30 is speculation. Luckily being I’m at work, I can pretty much guess what I’ll be doing throughout the day. So here it goes

12am: I’m still at work, on the downslide of a 12 hour shift. I go help out another unit in the hospital from 12-1, so that’s where I’m headed.

1am: Done with my work downstairs, so I pop up to see my mom (she works at the same hospital I do, so I visit her when I have some down time).

1:20am: Back to my unit, I should probably finish up the work I need to do. I find out that one of the patients we were supposed to get is no longer coming, so I decide to read a little bit of the book I brought, The Shadow Rising. The book is almost 1000 pages, and I only had about 50 pages left, so I was determined to finish it last night.

2am: I realize I forgot to make supply baskets for the nurses (one of my few job requirements at night), so I decided to do that really quick.

2:15am: Back to reading, this is important stuff!

3:22am: Get ready to pack up and leave, get my paperwork in order and gather all of my stuff.

3:26am: Did I mention my dad works at the same place too? I go upstairs and join him while he finishes his lunch break and then he walks me to my car so I don’t have to be out in the parking lot alone at night. How thoughtful of him!

4:25am: Finally arrive home. Take a few Valerian root capsules, a quick shower, and head off to bed.

7:30am: JT wakes me up for breakfast. Lack of sleep sucks, but not getting to see your boyfriend often enough sucks more. I like having breakfast with him, so I forgo the sleep for that. After breakfast, he decides to shave his beard off and leave just a mustache. I have to admit, I’m not a fan!

8:30am: Finally get back to sleep…just a few more hours.

12:30pm: First alarm goes off, reset until 1pm.

1pm: Second alarm goes off, reset until 1:30.

1:30pm: Third alarm goes off, reset until 2pm.

1:59pm: Screw it, I’m up. Shut off alarm and talk to the cat for a few minutes

2:10pm: I should probably eat something…maybe I’ll make mac n cheese. Fill up a pan with water and remember I used the last of the milk yesterday. No mac n cheese for me. How about 2 halos? And I have a coupon for a gas station roll-up thing, so maybe I’ll stop and get that on the way to work.

2:20pm: Start dressing for work, realize there’s nothing in my house that I even remotely want to take for dinner tonight, so I start thinking about what I can order. Probably Jimmy Johns. Download a few Guster albums to put on my iPod.

2:30pm: Time to get going, especially if I want to stop at the gas station. Gather all of my stuff, including my shopping bags, because I think I want to go shopping when I get off work tonight so I don’t have to do it tomorrow on my day off. I get out the door and forget my gas station coupon. Better grab it.

2:38pm: Get to the gas station, and they don’t have the pepper jack roll-up I was hoping for. Settled for spicy cheesesteak. Not sure why they have flavors anyway, they all taste the same! I’m waiting for a lady to get done taking forever with the chili cheese machine so I can get some. While waiting I notice the gas station has a new Red Velvet milkshake. As tempted as I was, I didn’t get one, but I made a mental note to come back later.

2:42pm: Back in the car and off to work. Kind of surprised it’s only been 4 minutes. That chili cheese lady was taking forever.

2:50pm: Scan the parking lot and try to find a spot. Coming in at 3 makes parking an absolute nightmare. I found a spot somewhere near the 5th row back. It’s a little chilly to be walking that far without a real jacket. My bad!

2:56pm: Clock in, change shoes, get updates to start my work day. Talk to the co-worker I’m replacing for a good 45 minutes, get all of the phone lists and patient information updated, check e-mail, read some news, and order Jimmy Johns so it will be ready for my dinner tonight.

4:16pm: Decide it’s time for some blogging, read a few wordpress pages including The Wandering Broski and wwellend two of my favorite blogs. Then I decide to start working on this post. I realize how much happens in a day, even when most of it is little things.

4:45pm: Start milling around in work stuff to make myself look busy for a little while. Answer some phone calls, check my bank accounts since I get paid at 3am, make sure I have everything set as far as what bills I need to pay.

6:53pm: Head into the break room for shift change report. After this things get back to normal. From this point forward, it’s like a normal 8 hour shift. Just forget about the past 4 hours and go from here. Bonus, since I worked 12 hours I get a longer lunch. Yahoo.

7:10pm: Get all of the beginning of shift stuff done, putting phone lists together and making sure all of my paperwork is in order. Wish lunch time was closer. Getting hungry.

8pm: Start stocking rooms with supplies. That will help the time go by quicker.

8:45pm: On the lookout for Jimmy Johns. My order said it would be delivered between 8:45-9.

9pm: Lunch break time. Scarf down my sub as quickly as possible so I can spend the rest of the hour reading.

10:20pm: Consider going back to work. My technical lunch was over at 10, but since I still answer phone calls and occasionally the door while I’m on my lunch break, I allow myself a few extra minutes, and of course I can’t leave in the middle of a chapter.

11:20pm: My dad should be showing up shortly to say hi, and possibly drop off his lunch if he didn’t leave it upstairs with my mom.

11:45pm: Start tying up loose ends so I can head downstairs to help out the second floor again…..

 

…..And that’s my day!

*~*MR*~*

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 11

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10 songs from my iPod on shuffle:

1. Strong as an Oak– Watsky

2. Tiny Glowing Screens, Pt. 2– Watsky

3. Car Radio– Twenty One Pilots

4. Starving– Hailee Steinfeld & Grey

5. Bloodflood– Alt-J

6. Hot Blood– Kaleo

7. Nobody– Spose ft. Watsky

8. Left Hand Free– Alt-J

9. So Much To Say– Dave Matthews Band

10. Georgia– Vance Joy

Wow…this was a great shuffle. I wish the songs came up like this when I’m actually listening! There’s a lot of Watsky in there, probably because he’s one of my favorites. I especially love that Nobody came up, because that one is a song by Spose, which features Watsky, meaning two of my favorites collaborating, which is nothing short of awesome.

I see a couple Alt-J pieces in there as well, which is lovely chill artsy music, and also great for late night drives.

Car Radio is the first song that got me hooked on Twenty One Pilots, who I had the joy of seeing with my best friend in Portland, Oregon last year. Definitely one of the best times of my life!

Starving is just one of those songs I can’t stop singing when it comes on the radio!

I’ve really been getting into Kaleo a lot, I like their style, which differs a little between songs, but I like that too. They just have a nice vibe and flow.

Dave Matthews is always a good standby. I’ve always liked his music and it helps me get work done! Great for those days when you just want to focus on cleaning your house but you want to enjoy doing it.

Vance Joy is another one of my favorite artists as well. This was the first song of his I heard that wasn’t on the radio, and I’m glad I decided to take a closer look at his music. I found some stuff I really liked.

This list barely even touches on my musical variety. I like so much music from so many different styles, artists, genres, and eras. What are your favorite songs/artists?

*~*MR*~*

 

 

30 Day Writing Challenge–Day 10

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Oh boy…my first love. That was a long time ago. I used to blog on a site called Xanga back in the day. One of my blog posts was one of those “have you ever” checklists. Some random guy (His name was Ty) commented on my post that day saying “If you ever want to play hockey, do drugs, or kiss, let me know” (those were 3 things I hadn’t done on the list) For whatever reason I found the comment amusing. I searched the guy’s profile, found out he lived in my area and decided to write back. We talked for a couple months and really liked each other. We decided to meet up and when I met him, he was really good looking! Somehow, he seemed to think the same of me. We started “dating” and he came over to my house a lot when my mom was at work (my dad didn’t care, he trusted me that I was being responsible). Our first date was at a Big Boy restaurant, which sadly has since been torn down. We got kicked out for laughing about one of the workers using coffee filters to clean the windows. Apparently that actually works pretty well, but I’d never seen it before and thought it was amusing. One day before Ty was leaving (it was actually the last day I’d see him for almost a month as he was going to Germany with his senior class) we were standing on the porch giving our usual goodbye hugs when he tilted my chin up and kissed me. I’ve never felt anything like that in my life. I felt tingles, hot and sweaty, and I couldn’t stop smiling. This incredibly good looking, funny, amazing guy just kissed me. But then I didn’t get to see him for weeks, which sucked. When he got back, things continued along and we had some great times together. It sucked because my  mom thought I was too young to do a lot of things, so there were a lot of times where I didn’t get to go with Ty, or I would have to sneak around to do so. He was about a year and a half older than me, so he hit 18 a little before me. He had gotten a place of his own, and I found myself spending a lot of time there. After about 2 years, we ended up breaking up. It was extremely hard on me, and I couldn’t really wrap my head around the reasoning. I thought things had been going pretty well. I kind of jumped off the deep end a bit and ended up landing in another relationship less than a month later. It was clearly just a rebound and something to take my mind off things. I was with the other guy one night and Ty had been texting me saying he missed me and he made a mistake. I missed him so much I wanted nothing more than to be with him,  but at the same time, I didn’t want to be a jerk to the guy I was with, who was actually a really good friend before and during all of this. Finally I just started breaking down crying and the other guy knew something was up. As much as he didn’t want to let me go back to my ex, he knew it was what he had to do, and I left that night to go see Ty. We got back together, but I really don’t think our relationship was ever the same after that.

The second round of our relationship was plagued by a certain friend of his that really didn’t like me for some reason. This guy had been in trouble for all kinds of stuff in his life and was just not a nice person. I couldn’t understand why Ty wanted to hang out with him. He was in his mid 30s when we were in our early 20s and he was just an awful excuse for a person. I was always pleasant to him, but he never let up on me, always making rude comments and just generally being a problem. Ty did drugs, that wasn’t a surprise to me. I didn’t really care, and I told him that as long as it wasn’t heroin or anything injectable. I had been smoking marijuana with him for years and I trusted that he could handle himself. Oddly enough, even when I was interested in trying some new things, he wasn’t willing to let me. I honestly feel like he was trying to protect me for some reason. It wasn’t his place to do that, but props to him I guess. He had been dealing with his father’s death, and looking back on it, I feel like he was using these things as an escape and even though it didn’t seem to be affecting him, he knew it was and wanted to keep me from that.

We broke up again after another 2 years, and I knew this time it had everything to do with his friend Jay. Jay could talk him into anything at this point, and leaving me was pretty high on Jay’s priority list. I think he knew that I worried about Ty and wanted the best for him and he couldn’t have that kind of thing if he was going to manipulate Ty to do what he wanted. After the breakup, we still talked, and I was desperately trying to patch things up again. I truly loved the man, and I wanted to be with him. I knew he wasn’t this person that Jay had been trying to carve him into. Things seemed off though. I felt like he was distracted and something else was going on. He ended up getting a DUI, and because he couldn’t drive, I had offered to get him to his court dates and help him out. I was hoping he would see my caring nature and rethink getting rid of me. I ended up planning a trip, booking a Jacuzzi room, and looking into tickets for one of his favorite bands. I hoped a trip together might help us work things out. A week before the trip he told me he had to finish his DUI classes and the day of the trip was the last weekend he had (which was true, he had procrastinated on getting things done) and I told him it was no big deal, that was more important, and we could make up the trip later. Later that day, Jay posted on his Facebook “Way to ditch the bitch! This weekend is going to be great!” I didn’t know if he had actually lied to me, or if Jay had said that just to get me riled up. I questioned Ty, not in a mean way, because I wanted to believe this was just another one of Jay’s stupid acts. Ty lashed out at me and told me I was acting like a child and that he never wanted to talk to me again. And he hasn’t. He had told me at one point that he could never see me as the mother of his children, which was funny because we never even talked about kids. 4 months later, he had another girl pregnant and they gave the kid up for adoption. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Interesting that this post was due at this time, because just a couple days ago I learned that Ty is currently in court proceedings for trafficking and possession of heroin. Somehow I still feel like part of his getting rid of me was trying to keep me from finding out that he had fallen prey to heroin. I don’t think he wanted me to know, and I don’t think he wanted me to hurt from it. I don’t know if that’s true, I could just be making it up so I have some excuse not to hate him, but somehow I feel it’s true. I could never be with Ty again, not after everything, but I still have some soft spot for him somewhere. There is still a love for him in my heart, it’s just that love is different now. I told him I would always love him and I didn’t lie about that. Like I said, it’s not a romantic love anymore, but I do wish him well, and it hurts me to see his life being destroyed like this. I hope that he can get the help he needs and somehow get away from all of this. I haven’t seen him in 8 years, but seeing as we have some mutual friends, I’ve found out these bits and pieces about what’s going on with him. I really want him to be ok, and I wish there was a way for me to tell him that without making things weird. I still pray for him, and I hold him in my intentions while at Temple. I know he’s a good guy inside, but he clearly has a lot of mess to clean up. I still just wonder sometimes if he ever thinks of me, or if he ever even realizes how much I loved him. I love JT now, and that’s where my heart needs to be, but I really want Ty to be ok. His life hasn’t been easy and I know that. There will always be a special place in my heart for him, and I hope deep down he knows that.

*~*MR*~*