Ugh. I was on vacation, a break I really needed, but now it’s back to the grind. I didn’t go anywhere, but I did spend some time doing temple activities and volunteering, all of which boosted my mood a little. Now that I’m back to work, somehow it’s like every ounce of positive energy I found has shrunk back into it’s little corner. Today I woke up early, had breakfast, read a little, and decided to take a nap. I wanted to take about a 90 minute nap, but next thing I knew it was 4 hours. That’s not a nap, it’s a sleep. And with that being said, I didn’t get much done before I went to work. That made me upset.
Let me respectfully remind you,
Life and death are of supreme importance
Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost
Each of us should strive to awaken…Awaken
Take heed, do not squander your life
The quote above is something recited at the end of temple retreat nights, and I was thinking a lot about it today. Do not squander your life. This 4 hour nap cycle isn’t new to me. If it was, I wouldn’t be upset. Sometimes you get tired, you need to rest. Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost. I’m never going to get those hours back. There is nothing wrong with a little nap, an hour or 90 minutes, but 4 hours is excessive. I’m not napping because I’m bored or sad, or trying to hide from something; I’m exhausted! The question is why? I’ve been eating a lot better, working out, going to bed at a reasonable time (as reasonable as can be for a night shifter), and yet I still get crappy sleep and can’t seem to be energized in the morning. I’ve tried vitamins, I’ve tried coffee, I’ve tried everything that is remotely healthy and yet nothing helps. I get to a point where I literally can’t even keep my eyes open. Even if my body can handle it, my mind turns to mush. I can’t focus on what I’m reading, watching, talking about, or even being able to function. I drop things, bump into things, trip, and anything else that marks me as uncoordinated. It’s like I have to lay down, or I can’t do anything I need to do.
I have so much I want to do, and it ranges from more classes, to taking care of my house, to keeping up on my favorite sports teams, yet so much of that is going by the wayside because I just can’t seem to stay awake. I know I need a new mattress and that might have something to do with it, but this has been a problem for me for a long time. I feel like I live a relatively full life, as I seem to be involved in a lot of things, but I also feel like I’m missing out because I’m sleeping at times when I should be doing other things. It’s embarrassing. I’ve been to many doctors, all of which just seem to laugh it off and pretty much just attribute it to laziness and boredom. The problem is that I physically feel like absolute garbage throughout the day. I just want to feel energized and ready to participate in activities before my life passes me by. I don’t feel like this is an issue that fixes itself with age, if anything it gets worse. I just don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed of being such a “lazy” person, and I’m tired of not having a good excuse for not accomplishing the things I set out to get done. Most people just say to get over it and make myself get up, but I physically can’t do that. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my whole body hurts, and I just don’t feel good. I don’t know how to get past that. It’s really damaging to my mental health too, because I’m starting to get a little depressed about it. I keep trying to make it better and I can’t, which is frustrating. Anyone else have this problem? Anyone have any good remedies? I’ll take what I can get at this point…