30 Day Writing Challenge-Day 4


My views on religion. Boy this is an interesting one. Let’s start with some background. I was raised Catholic. Went to Catholic school and the whole works. I wanted more than anything to be a good little Catholic girl. I tried so hard to get involved with church in the choir, as an altar girl, and just about anything else I could get myself into. Somehow I still just never felt that connection. I was going through the motions, showing up, but it just didn’t resonate in my soul. After 6th grade my parents decided to send me to public school (which I loved by the way) and we sort of pulled away from the church. We would still go on holidays and special occasions, but it wasn’t so rigid anymore. Eventually my parents decided to branch out and visit some other churches. We tried Lutheran, Church of Christ, and finally settled on Methodist. We got baptized in the Methodist church and became pretty involved there. I liked that church a little better because the sermons made more sense and it seemed a little more down to Earth. I still didn’t feel that overwhelming connection that I felt the church should give. I knew people who lived, breathed, and died the church, and I just couldn’t see myself ever doing that. Eventually I was old enough to make my own decision and I broke away from the church completely. I really wasn’t sure what to believe as far as the traditional concept of God goes, and honestly I didn’t find it to be that important in my life. What concerned me was showing compassion to others and being a good person. I didn’t need to go to church to do that.

I was coasting through life for a while and was just missing something. I wasn’t missing a creation story or some grand philosophy about God or anything like that. I was missing the sense of community that comes from being a part of something greater than yourself. I didn’t want the “religious” side of things being shoved down my throat though. I just wanted to feel like I was doing something good and a part of something good, but I just couldn’t find that anywhere. I was doing a lot of community service, which was great, but there just wasn’t any kind of lasting connection there. I had been dabbling in philosophy and studying eastern religions for a while, and really latched onto the concept of Buddhism. There is no “God” (I mean, you’re free to believe in whatever God or gods–or even goddesses) that you want to, but the religion itself is based on spreading compassion. That seemed right up my alley. I read for years, I attempted a few kinds of meditation, but then I hit a wall. The books I read all started to sound the same and I wasn’t really sure where to go from there. Last year, around November, I found myself doing a google search for Buddhist temples. Nothing serious, just for fun, right? Turns out there is a Buddhist temple less than 5 minutes from my house. Best part about it? Unlike a lot of western Buddhist temples, it was more that just a Japanese/Chinese/Korean/Indian cultural center. As neat as those places could be, as a pasty white girl, I can’t imagine I would have felt particularly comfortable around a group of people chanting in a different language and sharing customs from their homeland. Lucky me, this place was filled with diversity. People from all walks of life, primarily English speaking (granted, some of the chants are in Pali or Japanese, or other eastern languages, but since we are primarily English speaking, we learn the translations as well). I decided to go on January 1st, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

I still have a bit of a problem with organized religions. Many of them use faith to manipulate people. These mega churches that suck money out of their communities and the extremist factions that put their congregations in bad situations in the name of “God” are just terrible in my opinion. The temple I attend doesn’t have a monetary requirement, which is great. Of course they ask you pledge something¬†to be a member, but it can be a dollar if that’s all you have. Plus, membership (regardless of the amount you choose to give) allows you to participate in temple activities for free. I don’t have to pay a dime to attend retreats, talks, or any other events. Our whole philosophy is surrounded by compassion. Never would our Abbot send us out into the streets to harm or kill anyone. There are religions that do that! And throughout history, most religions have done that at one time or another. Our group never will. It’s totally against everything we believe in.

I don’t like organized religions that try to make you feel like you are a bad person just because you don’t follow a certain teaching they put forward. Buddhism tells you that the whole thing is about intention. Sometimes we fail, and that is ok, but as long as we get back up and keep working at staying on the path, we will be ok. I like that kind of philosophy. It also doesn’t put anyone on a pedestal like other religions do. The priest isn’t any “closer to God” than anyone else. We are all equal. The same teachings have been passed down for 2600 years from ancestor to ancestor. They still apply today no matter how much the world has changed. The same can’t be said for a lot of other organized religions.

Now all of that being said, I don’t have a problem with people who belong to organized religions. If that works for you, do it. As long as you aren’t harming yourself or someone else, I say do what makes you feel right. I do worry about people sometimes, because I feel like they can be impressionable and regardless of how controversial a church teaching may be, people fall into the trap. There are people out there who will exploit a weakness and you see it happen every day. I feel like that is how this whole ISIS problem started. It’s not that Islam is a bad religion. I know a lot of Muslim folks and generally they are wonderful people. The problem is that many of them, just like people of other religions, are extremely attached to their belief system. Sometimes it’s the fear of the unknown (wanting to “please god”), sometimes it’s the promise of reward (getting to heaven), or even just a general affinity with the preacher/leaders/ect. These con artists prey on people who are vulnerable. They will brainwash these folks into believing they are doing some kind of good by harming those who believe differently. This shows up in many ways. It doesn’t have to be suicide bombings, but there are also congregations that shun people for their lifestyle, the way they dress, or their financial situation. These things seem wrong to me. I also don’t like religions that pass the buck. There are a lot of religious folks who seem to think they can do whatever they want because God will still love them. Another set of people won’t take measures to do anything about a situation because its “in God’s hands”. The truth is, you can have all the faith you want, but you still have to have some kind of responsibility for your actions, you can’t just pass things off all the time. I don’t think just relying on some mystical figure is enough. Religion can be great. It can keep your life on track, and some people need that. I just hate to see people get sucked in so hard that they can’t be real and alive anymore. Religion is fine, but proceed with caution. Don’t hesitate to analyze beliefs and pick and choose what’s right for you. If it seems sketchy, don’t do it! And that can be applied to many aspects of life ūüôā



30 Day Writing Challenge Day 3


Hmmm…Drugs and alcohol. I have a lot of thoughts on these things. Overall, I can’t say that I have a “problem” with drugs and alcohol. A lot of people abuse these things, that is true, but that can be said for a variety of other things too. People abuse food, sex, other people, gambling, and the list goes on. Drugs and alcohol aren’t the problem, the mindset around them are the problem in my opinion. Since I was 16, I’ve dabbled in things here or there. I have never used IV drugs, nor would I, because the risks are too great. I don’t feel like stabbing myself, for one, also, disease rates with IV drugs are ridiculous. That’s just a little too intense for me. I’ve done other things though, and yet I don’t have an addictive personality, so I’ve never had a problem walking away. I’m not a big drinker either, I have a weak stomach, so excessive alcohol just makes me throw up and gives me a headache. I’ll pass on that. I’d rather smoke a joint, personally. But with that being said, my views on drugs and alcohol are very much that they should be legal. Being legal doesn’t mean that I advocate for everyone in the world to go out and get high. Legalization just helps rid some of the sneakiness behind drug and alcohol use. Being legal helps weed out the drugs that are laced with lethal ingredients. At least with a legal drug, providing it is labeled the way it should be, you know exactly what you are getting, and dosage can be determined relatively easily. Look at pain pills for example. While pain pills are very much abused and used improperly, if used correctly and under a (good) doctor’s care, chances of overdose are minimal. The problem comes when the pills are gotten illegally and taken in mass quantities above and beyond what the body can handle. Which “gotten illegally” can still be through a doctor, as there are some “bad” doctors out there that won’t monitor the drugs a patient is taking. However, if ¬†a patient is given a month’s supply, and chooses to go above medical advice and take the whole month in one day, that problem falls on the user in my opinion. You were given instructions to take the medication safely and chose not to. A street drug user could be giving themselves the same dose they always take, but because there was something unknown in the drug, it causes them to OD.

I’m really tired of laws and morality being expected to be the same thing. I don’t need a law against killing to make me not kill someone. I know it’s not right and I wouldn’t do it anyway. I feel the same with drugs and alcohol. You know the consequences. There are resources out there if you are feeling like you’re not ok. I firmly believe in informed decision making. I think the side effects of these products should be widely known and people should be able to make those decisions for themselves. As I said, I’ve safely dabbled in things, but I would have preferred if I could have done it without the fear of not knowing what I was getting or how I should take it. Getting advice from other users is terrible, because if they are a regular user and you are new to the game, they may not take that into consideration when they tell you what to do.

I said I’ve never done IV drugs because of the risks, and that is because I’ve been informed. I’ve seen what these things have done to people, and I want no part of that. Some other things I’ve tried seem like they could be a good time and generally they have been. I definitely think it would have been better if I could have chosen the products among tested lots instead of just off of someone I know. I think people should have the freedom of choice and the ability to know and understand the consequences before they do something. Legalization could require a waiver to be signed that states the consequences and lets a person know what could happen before they choose their drug of choice. This way if they make the choice to abuse it, the consequences fall on them. Certainly addiction is a disease, but you don’t have to make the choice to start. People need to learn to be more aware of themselves and their own bodies. That isn’t going to happen by stigmatizing everything.


30 Day Writing Challenge-Day 2


10 years. That’s a long time, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s not long at all…depends on how you look at it. 10 years ago, I was finishing high school. I was a much different person than I am today. It doesn’t seem like that long ago, but at the same time, with all the changes I’ve made, it also seems like a lifetime. 10 years from now, I’ll be 37. I like to see myself living somewhere on the east coast, within a 2 hour drive from a beach. I’d like to have my student loans paid off, and most of my credit cards too. Not that I have a massive amount of debt, but I could do so much more without that bogging me down.

I hope I can rescue a few more cats by then, and hopefully some dogs too. I hope to be even deeper rooted in my Buddhist practice as well. Maybe I’ll go back to school again, or at the very least continue to take classes on various subjects just for fun. I hope to get back some of my creative side, and maybe even be able to sell some of my art for extra income. I hope I can continue to work part time, and maybe then be able to do some side projects for fun and money. I’d rather work for myself than someone else. Work toward my own goals instead of someone else’s. I don’t have a good idea for a business that isn’t already overdone, and I’m scared to start one even if i did for a variety of reasons. I don’t feel like I have the resources to be successful if I were to do that. Maybe some day I can grow a garden and sell at farmer’s markets and such though. I feel like I’d be more than happy doing that.

I think a lot about my job. I’m a certified medical coder, though I’m not currently working in the field. I am in the medical field, but I’m a glorified secretary, not a coder. I wouldn’t mind working in a coding job, I do find it fun, but at the same time, I’m tired of being tied down. I want to find a way to be able to make the income I need while being able to be free to pursue my passions. But that’s pretty much what we’re all looking for, right? I guess some people are just more inclined to give up on that dream than others. I’m not really willing to give up on it. There has to be a way, and I’m in no rush to get rich. I have no desire to be rich. I just want to have enough, that’s all. I’m fine with a small place, reasonable car, and less stuff. I’d rather spend my money on experiences, and I don’t need a 5 star hotel and first class flights to do that. Just a simple walk in the park, tent camping, and street food is good enough for me. I just want to see the world as much as I am able. It’s a huge place of wonder and so many people take it for granted.

10 years from now, I hope I can continue to be a stronger person. I’m trying to develop a sense of what I really want and what I really want to accomplish and see in this world. It’s a harder question that one may think, and I’ve struggled with it for a while. I’ve always had the blessing/curse of seeing things from multiple angles, and sometimes that makes it hard to take a side. There are some issues that requires a side to be taken though, and I’m trying to cultivate the skills necessary to make those distinctions. I continue to prioritize my life, and hopefully in the next 10 years I can become so good at it that I have things in order.

Where do you want to be in 10 years?


Two Part Post: “Trump Supporters” and 30 Day Writing Challenge

So I want to start this writing challenge I found, but before I do that, I just want to address something here. I keep seeing all of this nonsense about these protests involving “Trump supporters” and their opposition. Do these people realize the election is over? We need to worry less about supporting or opposing Trump and start supporting each other as Americans. When Obama was in office, you didn’t hear about “Obama supporters”. I certainly don’t recall any Bush or (Bill) Clinton supporters either once they were in the White House. No matter who you are for or against, at this point we should be uniting as Americans instead of dividing ourselves. Let’s try adult conversation before we go flying off the deep end. All of this is distracting us from what is really going on. This country has a serious problem with compassion right now and we could all use a little more of it. I don’t want to rant on too long, but seriously! Anyway, now that I got that out, on to this writing challenge…


First, I want to say I’m sorry for not remembering who’s blog I found this on. I was reading and then decided I wanted to do it, and I accidentally closed the tab and it was never to be found again. So I apologize for that, I didn’t mean to take something without giving proper credit. Anywho, day one. My current relationship status. Let’s go:

I’ve been with JT for a little over 5 1/2 years. I don’t see marriage on the plate for us (just doesn’t seem to make sense in this society), and we don’t want children. When I met JT, he was unemployed, living with his sister, recently out of the legal system, and still had a bit of a opiate addiction (pills, not IV drugs thankfully…not that either is better, but at least you can’t get HIV or Hepatitis from snorting pills…). I found that underneath all of his flaws, he was a decent guy. He’s really over emotional so that played a huge part into his problems I’m sure. I figured I’d give him a shot. I had no ideas about trying to change him or anything like that, but I thought maybe if we walked the path together awhile, he would be able to let his true self flourish and get away from the negative energies in his life.

First thing I did was help him find a job. Between myself and his sister we were able to get him a job so he could get some of his issues taken care of. He didn’t have a license or car either, so I spent a lot of time driving him around, delivering his payments for his court fines (it was a requirement of our relationship that he got those things taken care of, and I was happy to help), and making sure he got to work. There were days when he would work a few hours before me, and in order to save gas, I would drive him in and sleep in the parking lot until my shift started (we worked at the same place at this point).

He had gotten most of his issues taken care of, but then he hit another downfall. We were at a bar, and he was about to get jumped by 6 guys, most larger than him, and he was convinced he could handle them. I didn’t want to see the aftermath of that, so I tore him away from the fight and tried to drive him home. His rage was so intense that he couldn’t stop screaming, yelling and punching/pulling things in my car. I didn’t want him to go in the house (we were living with my parents at the time) because I was afraid he would break something, so I tried to keep the keys away from him which proved to be a mistake. As we wrestled over the keys, I lost my balance in flip flops and fell down 3 stairs. I wasn’t really hurt, but as far as I was concerned, he went to far, and I had to call the cops. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, he just wanted the keys (and in hindsight I should have just given him the keys, the outcome probably wouldn’t have escalated so much). After a month long legal battle, we decided to speak again, and he decided to give up the pills altogether, so maybe in a way it was a blessing. After about 6 months of being back together, we had a bit of a falling out with my mom and she didn’t want him staying there anymore. I told him either we get a place of our own together or I was done with him. We weren’t going to keep living off other people, we had to do things on our own or it was never going to work. We got our own place then, and we’re going on 3 years having it.

Our relationships has clearly had some rough patches, but no matter what happens we always seem to get through it. I do love him, but I do have to admit, there are times when I don’t think he values me as much as he should. I’m sure I do the same, so I’m not trying to put the blame on him, but it is something I notice. I don’t think he does it on purpose, but he is a passionate person. He doesn’t see things in a hierarchy like I do. To me, there are levels, like your significant other and/or children should be number one, and family should be up there, close friends, friends, acquaintances, then strangers. If what a friend wants for me conflicts with what my significant other wants for me, 9.9999 times out of 10 I’m going with the significant other. That’s just how it should be in my opinion. You give yourself to a person, you promise them to be something, and I think that something should be more than just an option in a sea of choices. On the other hand, JT values people pretty much equally. If a friend’s idea collides with mine, he very well might choose the friend. He might also choose a stranger over family. To me this isn’t the object of having a relationship. But at the same time, I have to respect his ability to care personally about so many people.

I love JT and I’m proud of the progress we have made together. Sometimes I do have those thoughts about how maybe people just aren’t meant to be committed to another person, but who doesn’t. We aren’t going to agree on every little thing and I wouldn’t want us to. I do, however, feel that a relationship should be a partnership, and that it should very much be “us against the world”. A relationship should be a safe place to come home to at the end of a rough day, the pillar to help hold you up when you doubt yourself, and a place to radiate your happiness and share love. Relationships are tough, but I feel like people make them a lot harder than they need to be sometimes. All you gotta do is love.


Something new

So I’ve been working really hard to step out of my comfort zone and gain some new experiences. Many of them have turned out well, like glassblowing and¬†visiting the Buddhist temple. I’ve learned a lot of things, gained some new skills, and learned how to handle situations that I’m not generally the best at. Today I tried Aikido . For those who don’t know, it’s a martial art that focuses on not harming either of the fighters. It’s not competitive, more of a cooperative helping each other train. You never realize just how out of touch you are with your body until you have to move it mindfully. This training went well with my Buddhist practice, as it is based in centeredness and being grounded. I was very interested to learn, and I’m glad I went. Unfortunately classes are a little out of my price range right now, but at least it’s something I know I could take up later.

Also, the new catalog for art museum classes came out so I was perusing and debating what I should dabble in for the next session. Unfortunately, the class I really wanted is on Monday nights and starts the same week as my upcoming Florida vacation. Bummer. I’d hate to miss a class, especially one that I’m taking on scholarship. So I have a few options. I considered sticking with glass, but trying out mosaic dinnerware construction (5 week class), making a beaded bracelet with the flameworking techniques I just learned (1 day class) or trying out blacksmithing and getting a new skill altogether making bronze vessels¬†(2 day class). Can’t really decide where I want to go with that…your input would be greatly appreciated!

Either way, no matter what I do, I want to continue to grow and learn. Even if I try something and it sucks, at least I can say I tried it. Even if I never do that thing again, I can generally use the skills I learned and translate it to something else. We can all use new skills, and as big as this world is, I think we owe it to ourselves to experience it!

So anybody got some ideas on more new stuff I should try??



What Would You Really do?

I was out with my grandma the other day, and she decided to buy a Powerball lottery ticket. I’ve been known to dabble in the lottery here and there, but I have pretty realistic expectations. I’m ecstatic if I even manage to get my two dollars back! Grandma kept telling me that if she won she would split the money with me. Now I don’t even know how much the jackpot was up to that day, but most of the jackpots I’ve ever seen advertised for Powerball are way more than enough to split between two people. Now of course Grandma didn’t win (she said she didn’t even get one number! Imagine that…) but it really got me thinking about what I would actually do with a great amount of money if I were to miraculously come into it. Lots of people speculate and talk about how they would run away, or buy a mansion, or quit their job, but how many of these people are serious? It’s easy to speculate when the money isn’t in your hands. I did a lot of thinking and here are the things I came up with that I would do with millions:

-Pay off¬†JT’s car

-Pay off my student loans

-Pay off my credit cards and get rid of 2 of them

-Buy a decent property with a small house, likely in Florida, near the beach

-Donate to a few charities including the humane society and metroparks

-Repay my art museum scholarship money, plus give some extra to help out others, and of course take a few more classes


-Pay off my parent’s car and some of their debt

-Make a decent size donation to the Buddhist temple I belong to

-Travel a bunch

-Take time out to do volunteer projects, since I wouldn’t have to worry about missing my paycheck at work

-Grow my own food, and buy only local and organic when I have to buy

Basically, I’d get myself squared away so I could focus on helping others without having to deplete myself. Right now I do a lot of volunteering, but I struggle because of my work schedule. If I was given all of the money I needed to take care of necessities, I’d be happy to volunteer even more of my time! I wouldn’t want to be selfish. Having the money to actually be able to do more for those in need would be great. I don’t ask for a lot, I don’t want a huge house or fancy things, I just want experiences. I want to feel love and joy, and believe it or not, I want to feel heartbreak too. That’s what life is, feeling everything. If I can feel the burdens of the world around me, it will also feel amazing to lift them wherever I can. Until then, I’ll just have to keep chipping away. Every little bit counts, I just sure would love to be able to do more.




Trying to put the “P” back in Peace…

So one of my main duties at my job is answering and transferring phone calls. Generally if the phone rings once, you can count on it to ring about another 4 times after you hang up. If the person I transferred the call to doesn’t answer, it rings back to me. If someone calls a nurse directly and they don’t answer, it rings to me. I can’t get away from the phone, I can’t put it away on my lunch break (or even in the bathroom), and half of the calls that come to the phone aren’t even for me or anyone in my unit.¬†My job is relatively easy, so I try not to complain too much, but honestly my anxiety is starting to get the best of me!

Today I was in the bathroom just trying to take a quick pee break (before my bladder exploded!) and my phone rang 4 times. Once for my boss, two patient family members, and one because the first call to the boss didn’t transfer through. I wanted to scream out of anger, then I wanted to cry out of frustration! There was a time when I could use the restroom as a refuge. If things were getting a little crazy I could go take a pee break, either real or imaginary, and escape for a couple minutes. Now with having to be attached to my phone, it literally drives me crazy! Just the sound of the phone ringing gives me terrible anxiety, no matter what I’m doing. It’s like I can hear the ringing when I’m home, in my sleep, and anywhere else it doesn’t belong. Like I said, my job is easy. Just answer the phone, it’s not that hard. But the problem is the world is so damn loud these days! Everything is beeping and buzzing, everyone wants things right now, no one wants to wait, no one has any patience anymore. Since our phones are on our hips, we should be available right now for every single person who needs us. I’ve had people threaten to write me up because they can’t get a hold of a certain person, like I have any ounce of control over that! People just make me so nervous these days. They are careless, pushy, impatient, and just generally overbearing! I want to like people, really I do, but it’s so hard some days.

It’s not just the phone, but that’s one example. Another is the person in the SUV today who was in the right lane while I was in the left waiting at a red light on my way to work. The person in front of the SUV came to a complete stop and was checking to make sure they could make a safe right turn on red. Without giving that person a chance to look, the SUV squeezed between me and the other car so he or she could make the turn first, without giving any thought to oncoming traffic, or the two of us waiting at the red light like we were supposed to! That person could have easily caused a major pile-up which would have not only caused problems for the rest of us, but for themselves too! Why is everyone in such a goddamn hurry these days?! I don’t have anxiety because I can’t control my emotions or because there is something wrong with me, I’ve decided it’s because everything happens so freaking fast now. We don’t even have time to think!

I like my job, it’s easy, and I make great money to not have to do much physical work at all. The problem is I can’t handle all the buzz around me. There is no chill anymore. There is no relax. Everything is constant stimulation and my brain just can’t take anymore. All I want to do is eat my lunch and read for an hour without anyone bothering me. For crying out loud I just want to take a pee in peace! I just want a minute! Why is it so hard?!?!?



Product Reviews!

So I read an article the other day about this guy who wrote a bunch of his favorite companies praising their products and got a bunch of free stuff in return. I thought that idea was pretty neat! Products always have that “Questions or comments?” line on them and I’ve always wondered how many people actually call or write to leave feedback. There are some products that I absolutely love, and while free stuff would be totally awesome, I also just like the idea of letting a company know how much I absolutely adore their products. I think I want to try something similar. Of course I’m not going to write them specifically asking for free stuff, but if some shows up in return, I can’t say I’d be disappointed. I do, however, want to let good companies know when they are doing a great job. I’m going to leave a list of companies here that I intend on writing, and then I’ll keep you all updated on the responses I get!

Homemaker Orange Juice

Pure Leaf Iced Tea


Mighties Kiwi

Bragg Liquid Aminos

Contigo Water Bottles

Dannon Greek Yogurt



Tijuana Flats

Schmidt’s Natural¬†Deodorant

Tom’s of Maine

Ecos Laundry Detergent

Almond Breeze Almond Milk

Cat Chow

Tidy Cats

Blender Bottle



Scott Toilet Tissue

That should be a good start. If I decide to include any more, I’ll let you in the¬†loop…till then, I’m going to get started writing!




Schmidt’s Naturals did not have a mailing address listed! I did e-mail them and got a nice response back in return! Thanks Schmidt’s!


Turns out Bic also does not have a mailing address…e-mailed them as well…we shall see!


No mailing address for PizzaFire corporate either…really didn’t think I’d run into this problem that often! Who doesn’t like a handwritten letter?! Sheesh.


Tijuana Flats is another e-mail only company, and so is Post-it…but Post-it¬† has an optional home address box….maybe I’ll get some free samples or coupons????

*****EDIT -5*****

The places that I had to e-mail have all e-mailed me back a nice message at least. PizzaFire even told me about a birthday promotion where you get a free pizza on your birthday with the app. ūüôā


PizzaFire just sent me another e-mail offering me two free pizza coupons! Yay!!!


Homemaker Orange Juice’s letter was sent back to me. Something wrong with their address I guess ūüė¶ Purina (Tidy Cats and Cat Chow) sent me 3 coupons, and Scott sent me coupons as well!






Ugh. I was on vacation, a break I really needed, but now it’s back to the grind. I didn’t go anywhere, but I did spend some time doing temple activities and volunteering, all of which boosted my mood a little. Now that I’m back to work, somehow it’s like every ounce of positive energy I found has shrunk back into it’s little corner. Today I woke up early, had breakfast, read a little, and decided to take a nap. I wanted to take about a 90 minute nap, but next thing I knew it was 4 hours. That’s not a nap, it’s a sleep. And with that being said, I didn’t get much done before I went to work. That made me upset.

Let me respectfully remind you,

Life and death are of supreme importance

Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost

Each of us should strive to awaken…Awaken

Take heed, do not squander your life

The quote above is something recited at the end of temple retreat nights, and I was thinking a lot about it today. Do not squander your life. This 4 hour nap cycle isn’t new to me. If it was, I wouldn’t be upset. Sometimes you get tired, you need to rest. Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost. I’m never going to get those hours back. There is nothing wrong with a little nap, an hour or 90 minutes, but 4 hours is excessive. I’m not napping because I’m bored or sad, or trying to hide from something; I’m exhausted! The question is why? I’ve been eating a lot better, working out, going to bed at a reasonable time (as reasonable as can be for a night shifter), and yet I still get crappy sleep and can’t seem to be energized in the morning. I’ve tried vitamins, I’ve tried coffee, I’ve tried everything that is remotely healthy and yet nothing helps. I get to a point where I literally can’t even keep my eyes open. Even if my body can handle it, my mind turns to mush.¬†I can’t focus on what I’m reading, watching, talking about, or even being able to function. I drop things, bump into things, trip, and anything else that marks me as uncoordinated. It’s like I have to lay down, or¬†I can’t do anything I need to do.

I have so much I want to do, and it ranges from more classes, to taking care of my house, to keeping up on my favorite sports teams, yet so much of that is going by the wayside because I just can’t seem to stay awake. I know I need a new mattress and that might have something to do with it, but this has been a problem for me for a long time. I feel like I live a relatively full life, as I seem to be involved in a lot of things, but I also feel like I’m missing out because I’m sleeping at times when I should be doing other things. It’s embarrassing. I’ve been to many¬†doctors, all of which just seem to laugh it off and pretty much just attribute it to laziness and boredom. The problem is that I physically feel like absolute garbage throughout the day. I just want to feel energized and ready to participate in activities before my life passes me by. I don’t feel like this is an issue that fixes itself with age, if anything it gets worse. I just don’t know what to do. I’m ashamed of being such a “lazy” person, and I’m tired of not having¬†a good excuse for not accomplishing the things I set out to get done. Most people just say to get over it and make myself get up, but I physically can’t do that. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my whole body hurts, and I just don’t feel good. I don’t know how to get past that. It’s really damaging to my mental health too, because I’m starting to get a little depressed about it. I keep trying to make it better and I can’t, which is frustrating. Anyone else have this problem? Anyone have any good remedies? I’ll take what I can get at this point…