So yesterday was Valentine’s Day. JT had to work, but we had plans to go to dinner when he got home, which was unfortunately not until 7pm (but I thought it was 7:30, oops), so it was going to be a late one. I didn’t do much all day, so I had planned to start showering and getting ready around 6:30 so he could have the bathroom to get ready when he got home. He got home a little after 7 and I was just drying off from my shower and about to start putting makeup on. He was getting antsy and said, “So I guess I didn’t give you enough time to get ready all day?” I was a little annoyed. For one, I wanted to be fresh, so I wanted to get ready right before we left. It’s not often I get to dress up and look pretty. I take full advantage of those moments when I get them, because most days I lounge around in sweat pants and t-shirts. Sometimes it is nice to go all out. Secondly, I thought he would be getting ready too, at least taking a shower, because he is a meat cutter and always complains about how he smells when he gets home. I was a little annoyed that he didn’t appreciate the effort I was trying to put in. Being my passive aggressive self, I huffed and puffed myself into the bedroom where I just threw on my usual sweatpants and tie-dyed shirt and didn’t even bother with the makeup. If he didn’t care, why should I?
I kept asking myself if it was really worth being annoyed. I mean it was a late dinner, no sense in waiting any longer to go right? And who cares what I’m wearing, we were just going to a pizza place. I felt like I was overreacting about him too, because while I didn’t personally care that he didn’t take a shower or make any effort to dress up, I was disappointed that it didn’t matter to him. Somehow it made me feel like I, or at least our relationship wasn’t all that important to him. I wanted to dress up because I wanted him to feel like he had something special. I wanted people to look at us and think “What a lucky couple,” not just see two average people. I don’t mind being “average people” but we get to be that every day. I felt like I wanted to be something special. In my previous post I talked about how I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day either way, and this may seem contradictory, but it really isn’t about Valentine’s Day itself, it’s the fact that JT said he was going to take me out to dinner. It wasn’t like we were just going to eat like any other day, he specifically said that it was for Valentine’s Day, so in my opinion he was marking it as a special occasion. I guess I was just bummed that in the end it didn’t really seem like one. Maybe I’m being ridiculous, I kind of feel like I am, but at the same time I feel like I have the right to feel special too.
My self-esteem has taken a bit of a dip lately for some reason, and I have to say this situation hasn’t helped. One side of me feels absolutely stupid for even being upset about this. The other side of me says that I have a right to feel this way. Even if I do have a right to feel this way, nothing is going to change it, the day is over. Fighting with JT wouldn’t have helped either, because I just would have walked away feeling worse. It seems so trivial, but I just want to feel special for once. I haven’t felt special in a long time, and more often than not I feel like I’ve been let down again and again. I don’t want this to sound like JT’s fault, because it isn’t. He isn’t the only person in my life, and the letdowns have come from all sides; him, family, friends, the list goes on. I guess I just rely on him to be there because that is what a relationship means to me. It’s not that he isn’t there or doesn’t treat me well, because he does, but like everyone else he has his own stressors and issues. I don’t want to put more on him by making him think he has to put me on some kind of pedestal.
What do you think? Does it matter about dressing up for special occasions? Does the effort you put in matter? Should those things not be a big deal anymore as formalities seem to be flying out the window? I mean we don’t teach cursive anymore, because instead of signing your signature, you can use finger prints or digital signatures now. People wear pajama pants to upscale restaurants and jeans to job interviews. I miss the days when effort mattered. I don’t think it should matter every day, and that’s what makes it so special. When you are doing something special, I think it is important to act like it. Maybe I’m a big whiny baby and I expect too much, and I suppose that’s ok too. I just want to know if I’m off track here or if I have a point. I don’t want to be outrageous, but I feel like I’m missing something.