I don’t really want to use this blog for rants about my personal life, but at the same time I feel like there’s a lesson in this. When it comes to relationships, I’m pretty open as far as letting you go out with your friends, letting you have “me time”, and letting you have your privacy. We all need that, and I have no problem giving it to you. I mean if we are in a relationship, we should be able to trust each other, right? At the same time, I’m not going to get jumpy if my phone rings around you, and I’m not going to be sneaky or secretive about where I’m going or what I’m doing. Most importantly, you as my significant other are going to come first no matter what.
So I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over 5 years and we have certainly had our moments, but overall things are pretty good. I’ll admit we are both getting older, so the physical part of our relationship is probably the thing that lacks the most–or so I thought. Lately, every time I try to have a serious conversation with him, he blows me off. He says we are “already on the same page” and don’t need to talk about things. I disagree with that, and him saying that already proves that we are clearly not on the same page. Even if we were, I still think it is important as a couple to revisit your goals and expectations now and then to make sure that you’re working toward a common goal. He wants nothing to do with that. I feel like I used to be able to talk to him about stuff, but now not only does he not listen, he doesn’t even seem to want to listen.
I recently had surgery so there are a few things I haven’t been able to do. Yesterday I was trying to be nice so I came up behind him and put his robe over his shoulders and proceeded to hug him. He freaked out and told me to quit looking over his shoulder while he was reading his messages on his phone because he “doesn’t like that.” Well, he has never had a problem with me looking at his phone before and the main point is that I wasn’t even looking at his phone, my face was buried in his shoulder. I couldn’t even see his phone if I had been looking at it, I didn’t have my glasses on. He usually says he doesn’t care if I look at his phone because he has nothing to hide. Now all of a sudden there’s a problem.
The phone wasn’t the first issue. Lately he has been pointing out all of the girls he finds attractive. He doesn’t touch me for months and says he’s just not all that interested, but now he wants all these other girls. I don’t want to be nitpicky, and I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but this is getting ridiculous. If you want to go be with someone else, go do it. He says he tells me about the attractive girls because he is “letting me into his mind and I should feel special that he tells me instead of hiding it.” Well guess what? I don’t feel special. I feel like I’m constantly being compared to these other girls. Now I’m not a 10 and unfortunately over the past couple years I’ve kind of let my body go (mainly because I got comfortable sharing in his eating habits), but if that is a problem, just say it!
I don’t know if he’s messing around, and I really hope not, because that isn’t something I forgive. If I find hard evidence of that, his stuff will be out on the curb in no time. Either way, that isn’t the biggest concern. My big problem is his way of trying to make me look stupid. It’s infuriating. I try to be a good person and not smother a person I am with. I try to give them the same space and trust that I expect. When you exploit that trust, whether you are doing something wrong or not, that bothers me. Don’t flip things around when you get caught doing something you shouldn’t. Man up. Be an adult. Own your actions. Don’t get mad at me because you are exchanging inappropriate text messages with an ex-coworker (who also happens to be in a relationship.) I can’t think of anything that I feel the need to say to someone that couldn’t be said in the presence of my boyfriend.
I’m not a child, and I certainly don’t need to be treated like one. I don’t need to second guess myself. They say if you have a gut feeling than it’s probably right, and I definitely have a feeling that something is up. If that is not the case, than he should be proving to me that there is nothing going on. At this point, I see him doing the exact opposite. If something is lacking in our relationship, I don’t see why we can’t talk about it and get things back on track. If not, keep your nose out of other people’s business and work on your own. Like I said being attracted to someone else isn’t my problem, that happens to a lot of people. It is about how you handle it, and how you treat those around you. If you don’t want to talk about it, that makes you the child, not me. All the while, you have this smile on your face saying, “Haha she doesn’t even know.” It’s just wrong, and for the record, I do know. I’m just choosing not to act right now. I know you’ll dig your own grave with this one. You can’t keep things a secret forever. I just know one thing, if something really is going on, you better get out before I find out.